Soulmate #3: A Lioness Wants A Lion

By the way–some of ya’ll ain’t gonna like what I say today. Others are thinking I’m giving some formula for picking up girls. Think deeper, people, please.


So. Where were we? Yes, I remember. I had used the Beauty/Power axis idea to help me define my own pathway–that is, I defined the girl of my dreams, with the assumption that whatever I most deeply aspired to have in my life as a female companion was a mirror to my own idealized self. A theory worth testing! I found a lady. Call her Hazel. Hazel was the most devastatingly sexy woman I had ever known, and also smart and sweet and spiritual and financially stable.

1) She said she wanted a man who had lower BODY FAT than I had at the time. That’s fine–there is probably nothing that says more about you IMMEDIATELY than your body. It speaks of discipline, health, value hierarchies, the way you spend your time and energy, etc. It speaks of self-love, and emotional health. Let alone basic connection to our animal selves: could we hunt, gather, and either evade or defeat predators? It is also immediately a turn on or off to the hind brain.

2) She also wanted someone with deeper spiritual commitments. During the last months trying to work things out with my wife, I had tried to hard to please her (or so I thought) that I had lost sight of myself. Always a mistake. I’d stopped meditating, connecting myself to the divine.

So I started running again, watched my DIET a bit more (a sign of self-respect) and meditated more. Hazel and I started seeing each other–I’d fly out to Arizona to see her. But there was a problem: the sweeter to her I was,the faster she backed away, until finally she broke things off.


Well, I decided to take a step back. What if, I thought, everything I thought I knew about women was dead wrong? What if the years I’d spent out of the dating circuit had clouded my judgement? I had a convention coming up in Seattle, and I made a decision: I was going to attend that convention as if I was an anthropologist from Mars. Completely suspend everything I thought I knew about men and women–empty my cup,as it were, and just watch. What might I see?


So I went to Norwescon at the Seatac RED LION INN, and did my panels, taught Tai Chi, but at every other moment I just watched. Not just the fans, but all of the travelers coming in and out. And after two days I started seeing a pattern that I never would have believed, something so incredibly politically incorrect that I had to shake my head.

And the observation, whether you want to agree with it or not, went something like this:


What? I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing. If a guy was fawning all over a girl, she was likely to be only moderately good looking. The really gorgeous ones seemed to be with guys who barely noticed they were there. I just couldn’t believe it.


I sat back and thought. Well, the dysfunctional aspects of that were obvious, but I asked myself another question: what if there was a healthy aspect? What if there was an
unexpected explanation that was healthy, and smart,and made perfect sense of it all? I dug into my understanding of sociobiology and biological determinism and came up with a theory. Just…an idea that had the value of being elegant and testable.

And the theory was this: a healthy, beautiful woman, aware of her power is like a lioness. And not surprisingly, a lioness needs to be with a lion.

Now…what do we know from animal behavior and physiology? Well, for one, Predators have their eyes mounted in front, to STALK prey. It is herbivores who have eyes mounted to the side, to watch out for attacks. So…to a lioness, a man paying too much attention to her triggers one of two responses:

1) He is an herbivore, afraid of me.
2) He is a hunter, looking to kill or exploit me.


If he is another lion, then they are a mated pair, hunting together. His attention is NOT upon her, it is on where he is going, what he is intending. Now, I’m quite sure that when they are in private he gives her all the attention she needs, wants, and rightfully desires. But in public? They are hunting. Their attention is on the environment.


I decided to test my theory. I looked until I found the most beautiful woman at the convention. She was being chatted up by two guys, and had been for almost an hour. I interposed myself between one of the guys and her, and began to talk to the guys. With my back to the lady. After about ten minutes, I turned, looked her in the eye, said “I find you VERY attractive” and then turned and CONTINUED my conversation. I walked away. She followed me around for the rest of the convention. Like a little puppy.


I couldn’t believe it. It made such sense of Hazel. She didn’t want to know more about how attracted I was to her. She KNEW that. She wanted to know who I was, where I was going, what I was going to make of myself in the world. Was I hunter enough to provide for her cubs, in other words. Was I what I seemed to be? Or was I merely another of the endless predatory males she had had to defend herself from over the years. From the way I had come across, I was a sucker, or a liar who would hurt her.

Damn, damn, damn.

I had neglected to learn the language she spoke, and blew a wonderful chance to be with an extraordinary woman. The next step was to test my theory, and then, if it proved out, to figure out what the hell to do with the knowledge now that I had it.

More later…

Article Series


  1. YES. I want a partner by my side, not a sycophant nor someone who wants to own me. It’s not that I want to be ignored nor treated disrespectfully, but that I want my partner’s self-worth to be his own, not defined by what he thinks he needs from me.


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