Now I’m working to deepen “The Ancient Child” which is an organic, heart-centered approach, one that evolved naturally and instinctively through my own practice and working with others. Combining this with the “Secret Formula” and “the Morning Ritual” is creating one seriously powerful approach, one that seems without limits and as generative as a bag of seeds. But a step along the path of sharing it most powerfully is the creation of an autobiography framing the major steps along my path to awakening. And that means taking the essay I wrote for one of those “Who’s Who” books and adding in material: when did I learn X? Where did I first apply Y? My old “Dar Kush” blog is a treasure trove, and I’m just going through it and pulling out essays that seem most powerful and germane. The following is one of these.
A letter from one of the 101 Students bears re-posting. All identifying material (possibly including gender) has been removed or altered.
I’ve been trying all day to figure out a polite way to post this to the 101 group, but I think it’s the sort of thing that’s better kept anonymous. Well, except that I’m sharing it with you and if you can figure out a way to make my crazy useful to others feel free. I’ve been more or less good, following the program but I’m back to the early phases, doing the fresh fruit/veggies alternate days and the 5Tibetans and the 5MM and getting my ducks used to my hiding in their pen for 20 minutes a day of meditation. I’ve been journaling and dancing and going for long walks under the stars. Great stuff. It’s been like an exhilarating upstream swim in cool water at the end of a hot day. So here comes the universe with its special talent for tumbling me back over familiar rocks.
I do not get the affection I desire from my husband. Alright, not ideal, but I’m trying to work with what is. So I think I’ve been making really good strides in holding myself responsible for giving myself the love I need. When I’m feeling hurt and lonely and rejected I think to myself “What do I want from that person, that I feel like they aren’t giving to me?” and then I figure out how I can give myself that core experience. I need to love myself until love becomes as fluent to me as my native tongue or any love other people give to me is just going to get lost in translation. I can enjoy my sensuality in my physicality and dance, and cooking and in mindful eating and in gardening and stargazing and giving platonic affection like hugs and kisses and massage to those who are willing to receive it. I give myself my own approval and am honest with myself about what kind of effort I put into something and whether what I say are my priorities are reflected in how I dedicate my time and energy. I’m doing a lot of things right. So I’m feeling really good about this decision to embrace my abstinence with a deep degree of self-sufficiency.
But I tell you what, if you think skipping food gives a person an introduction to the voices, try a long sexual fast. I can get myself off, but I can’t experience that glorious dance, the push and the pull of a real sexual experience, because I promised monogamy to someone who ain’t interested. So I am trying to be good, not just tolerant, but really rising above. So what happens? Men who are not my husband are making themselves all too available. X and I have fooled around off and on, not enough to satisfy me or to freak me out, so his recent friendliness is one of those perennial blooms, but I’ve got old lovers who haven’t touched me in thirteen years writing me with detailed memories of experiences we’ve had naked together. Now Y who lives in Z and had been nothing but a gentleman while we were hanging with friends every (day of the week) is back in town and trying to get me to go driving with him, alone with him, not this cluster of friends stuff we usually do. And he’s got a real pretty rationalization for it, but I can hear it in his voice, he’s hoping to do more than just shoot the breeze. And I’m sure he can hear it in my voice that on some level I am all too flushed and eager. I wish I could bottle this and save it for sometime when I am on the market. ‘Cause I can’t seem to commit myself to fast without a feast showing up at my door. And I know what to do, I’ll hang out with Y with friends, but I ain’t taking that ride, because I want to go for a ride so bad it makes me shake, and I know better.
The thing that makes this your business is that I swear there’s a connection between trying to go through something as transformative as the 101 and getting stuck on Pleasure Island as soon as I leave the puppet shop to become a real boy. Sex is my favorite candy and that’s what the universe is trying to offer. And if I take it I’ll go back to looking into somebody else’s eyes begging them to tell me I’m still here. I’m not taking the bait. Out of respect for my highly resistant husband I don’t want to post this is in a public forum without anonymity. But I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s discovered a lot of temptation on the path. The people I spend time with I can chalk it up to a difference in how I carry myself, but Y has been in Z, he had no way of knowing and he’s being much friendlier than when he left, calling me his first night in town and asking me out. The universe conspires at times like these.
Having nothing to do with any of that, you say the kindest, sweetest most encouraging things on your message board. I practically glow all day after reading them. Thank you so very much.
Here’s the reason that I posted this. Back when I was promoting Dawn Callan’s “Awaken the Warrior Within” workshops, I noticed that if people signed up, they canceled at a bizarrely high rate, and their reasons were simply qualitatively different from the reasons people give for not coming to a dinner party. It was as if their entire universe conspired to keep them away from a transformative experience. The way I put it was “a meteor will hit your dog.”
One of my students is a lady carrying about a hundred extra pounds. She was terribly abused as a child, and this is clearly her subconscious trying to protect her from further pain by obscuring her sexual characteristics. It is safe for her to lose, say, twenty pounds, but anything beyond that triggers her inner alarm buttons. Now this lady is a tiger, and if you put an obstacle in front of her, she’ll do her damnedest to vault it. So I figured that if she ever got onto a REAL weight loss program (both diet and exercise, slowly reducing calories and ramping up the intensity of the exercise until the desired weight loss is occurring) her subconscious would distract her by throwing career opportunities at her. Travel, authority, creativity, lots of extra money…and all she has to do is ignore her body, and she can have all of it.
EXPECT THIS TO HAPPEN as you approach any major threshold in your life. Whatever your weakness is, this is what your Ego-self will throw at you to slow you down.
Now, “B” is trying to create a healthy relationship, a healthy body, a healthy relationship with money. And as she begins to make progress, what happens? Her husband, who mirrored her before her changes began, is disconnected from his own sensuality, and B. is one seriously sensual lady. Old lovers are appearing from her past, offering her sexual goodies, if only she betrays her marriage.
Totally, 100% predictable. It WILL happen as you grow. Might be disasters, might be blessings. But what all of these things boil down to is temptations to step off the Thousand Mile Road, betray your values, and go after the goodies. Don’t take the bait: the instant you do, the goodies will evaporate. You’ll look around and realize you don’t know where the road is any more, lost in darkness.
The path, and forward movement along it, is far more important than any specific gain along the way. They are secondary to moving closer and closer to your true self.
Accept no substitutes.