You don’t have to be a creep to complain about being “friend zoned.” You’re a creep if your complaints center on how “they” owe you sex or love. Everyone has felt the pain of rejection, of having your love or desire un-returned. That’s just life. If that pain leads you to introspection and growth, it can be one of the most positive things in life. Wanting to find tribe, and mate, and satisfy romantic or sexual drives is simply part of the human experience.
There is something here, something about the urge for power. Because men are more likely to seek that power directly, we see the negative and positive effects more clearly. Trust me: as women begin to move into the direct power arena, THEY will experience more of the same stresses, and will if dysfunctional express more of the same disastrous behaviors. You can’t believe in equality without accepting the reality of equal positive AND negative potentials and expressions.
Are people who feel loved, and connected to the world as likely to act out? Commit acts of harassment, violence, confrontation, and terrorism, whether emotional, social, political or physical?
Not when those behaviors are fear-based, no. Love and gratitude are antidotes for fear. Fear-based anger and violence then decrease.
What can make people feel more connected? What can we do as individuals to contribute to that sense of Oneness that dissolves such conflict?
The most important thing you can do is love yourself. This is a critical step, because if you DEEPLY love yourself, you will satisfy all of your basic hungers, the things the dysfunctional and imbalanced feel they need to receive from others: love, validation, acceptance, nurturance. This is “child” stuff.
If you provide these things for yourself, you know you do not “need” them from others, and further, the notion that they “owe” it to you is absurd. You begin to see that everyone is just doing the best they can, and that while you have the right to get in that game and get everything YOU can (trade your assets for the greatest amount of power and/or beauty you can attract and hold) neither love, nor sex, nor fame, nor money are OWED you.
On the personal level, it is clear why co-dependence exists. As children, we really are dependent, and must get everything we get by appealing to…or manipulating…those around us. Adulthood means growing out of this. Society has some fascinating contradictions about this (and your family is a small society, of course). Grow up…but not too far. Be independent…but still follow our instructions. Take responsibility for your emotions…but let us continue to guilt-trip you, just as Mommy and Daddy did when you were nine.
Ugh. It is not evil, not “bad” any more than your body is “bad” for not encouraging individual cells to become amoebas and crawl away. Organizations don’t care about individuals. Individuals must care about themselves and each other…but still function within organizations. The world is too interconnected, and there is no going back.
“Adulthood” would mean taking responsibility for these basic drives, and aligning your own values and beliefs, and using them to support actions that are in alignment with your deepest needs and highest goals.
“Awakened Adulthood” would be like an individual cell realizing it has the capacity to function outside the body…but (usually) making a conscious decision to remain “in the game.” This is the “being in the world but not `of’ the world.” The path of the “householder yogi”, which is my own path.
I am husband, father, student, teacher. Must create goods and services to exchange with my community to support my family. And accept that gladly. But am also a being separate from any definitions of name, gender, race, nationality, occupation or avocation. And the deconstruction of those ego shells is, and should be, resisted by society and our own psychology like gravity resists your attempt to throw a rock into orbit. Severe abuse can create some of the same symptoms as the enlightenment experience, but without the balance and healthy flow of rising energy through the different levels of identity. A destructive explosion rather than an ascent to orbit or escape velocity. Very different things.
I do not know if I believe that the sad, sick bastards who shoot up schools and go on Men’s Rights forums to find community are examples of failure to launch, failure to progress along this continuum of consciousness. But it is a theory I’m starting to examine.
Further, I don’t know if domestic, political or religious extremism and terrorism are examples of “sleeping adults” caught in a nightmare, where their beliefs and experienced realities do not match, causing a distortion or shredding of a desperately clung-to “reality map” leading to the point where they would rather die physically than experience more ego pain. And, of course, are ready to take you (or their society) with them.
I don’t know if they are related…but again, it is a fascinating question, one that I’m starting to examine. Because if they ARE related, the suggestion would be that the answer is the same, if extrapolated to a higher level of complexity. Love. Connection. Compassion. Which can only arise from strength, of course: frightened children need the loving arms of an adult to calm them
I DON’T KNOW if this is true. These are questions, not statements.
But they are, I think, very good questions indeed.