I lost my temper with Jason yesterday, and have no excuse. We had tried a change in his schedule (shower on Thussday night instead of Friday morning) and just that single change rippled through the day. His behavior was off, his unconscious control was off, and he had the first “brain fart” he’s had in weeks.
Little changes, big ripples.
But the point is that I lost my center, and instead of seeing that his behavior was a cry for help and connection, and responding with love as I had SWORN I would, I responded with anger, and he ended the night in tears. Then, when Tananarive tried to get me to look at the interaction I deflected and became rigid, all with what I told myself was perfect justification, and the night ended with tension.
Then…I had a dream this morning that I was in the White House. A tired-looking Michael Douglas was president. The Oval Office was tiny, and the rug leading to it along the hall shabby.
Oddly enough, I had been studying the concept of “Executive Function” in relationship with ADHD and parental responses over the last week. Gee, I thought. Wonder if my unconscious was trying to tell me there was something frayed and dysfunctional about my inner “Chief Executive.”
Yeah, I wonder.
I needed to see. Needed to connect with my truth, and the first thing I did this morning was the Ancient Child exercise. I’ve been clearing up my head space by performing/visualizing a 0-99 mneumonic sequence when I first wake up. Fabulous for awakening the brain, but had I lost deep connection with my heart?
So I began with heartbeat meditation. Then I found the light within my body (visualizing myself looking into a mirror) and created my inner child. And…it was hiding from me. Didn’t want to deal with me. Oh, crap.
So I went in the opposite direction (the Child is usually in the “basement”, tucked down at the base of my spine) to connect with my Ancient One. The old man was not happy with me. Told me to shut up and sit this one out, while he connected with my child. I don’t know what they said to each other, but then he confronted me.
To my surprise, he ran ME through the Morning Ritual I help Jason with every day.
“What is your Job, Steven?” he asked.
“To protect my family” I answered without hesitation.
“Did you do that yesterday?”
I paused. No, I hadn’t. Hell, no I hadn’t. Instead, I had protected my own ego, my sense of authority.
“What are the Laws?” he asked.
And I began to recite Musashi’s principles. “Do Not Think Dishonestly” was devastating. “Distinguish between gain and loss in worldly matters” was even worse.
I’d blown it. No excuse. Now I have to make it right. The first thing I said to Tananarive when she woke up was, after taking her in my arms, “I’m sorry. I was wrong, and you were right.” I felt genuine shame, and deserved to.
Jason is asleep as I write this. When he wakes up, I’m going to apologize to him humbly, and ask him to forgive me, and how I can make things right.
The Ancient Child exercise is amazing, and I am so grateful to have received it. It cut through all the self-justifying b.s. and mapped out a path to not just making things right, but strengthening my commitment to my family and my own spiritual path. And…I want each and every one of you to have it. In a few days I’m going to tell you how you can get your copy for just one dollar. More on that later.
Now, I have to get ready to hug my son.