The very worst people to try to help are therapists, because they know all the buzz words and can create delusional architectures that sound perfectly reasonable…to themselves.
I recently spoke with a guy who has an horrific history of relationships: one dysfunctional partner after another after another. Not surprisingly, he came from a family where the mother abused him and the father let it happen.
Trying to talk to this therapist, who is now in the middle of the latest in his long list of problems is a non-stop exercise in watching deflections generated as fast as parries in a fencing match. Noticing everything except the turd floating in the punchbowl. Look at that pineapple! And I used the best orange juice! And isn’t the ice sculpture nice..?
This relates to self-love. If you love yourself, you are willing to look at what is really hurting you. Only a fear that if you see the truth, it will be too painful. That if you look deeply, you’ll find that your mother and father were right to abuse and neglect you.
But if you love yourself, you will fight for your heart the way you would for your own most beloved child. Hear the diagnosis. Be willing to see both the victories and the losses.
No, the women he chose were not charity cases, not accidents, and not typical of the general population. They were a cavalcade of walking issues, and he wasn’t healthy enough to avoid them. Chose them. And then gets angry with them when they simply do what they do.
You can’t marry someone who is an X, and then be angry when they behave like an X. Do that, and what the REAL game is is: “I will be unhappy. I will not heal myself, will ignore my own damage, and to do that I create a blind spot so that I cannot see the damage in others. I will refuse to consider the implications of my pattern, and delete any information concerning healthier people or relationships. I will consider issues to be THEIR problem, and ignore the fact that I am choosing them…again and again and again.” Why? I can’t be sure, but one suspects that it is those rules they learned at their parent’s feet.
You are not lovable. You are not deserving of protection. You do not have the ability to do better, so it is best not to dream.
To me, this is the waste of a life, and it grieves me. But sometimes, when you know the trainwreck is coming, all you can do is get a chair and some popcorn, sit back and watch the show.
(there are better paths. There is healing. Please find your way to joy. At Lifewriting Premium we are gathering the very best tools I know of, so if you find my approach touches your heart, try us for a month and see. WWW.LIFEWRITE.COM)