I’ve been having a conversation with a young man, a martial artist who has been fighting the good fight to get his life together. A primary area of concern was, of course, relationship. He has found himself a woman who sounds amazing, who is attractive to him on every level, but intimidating because she has more sexual experience than he. This is such a common problem that I asked him if he’d share the conversation. All identifying aspects have been removed, and we’ll just call him “Ricky”.
“Things are getting better and better. In life AND my relationship.
Sex with my fixed partner is getting better and better. Incredible.
There is one HUGE threat left: My lady had lots of lovers (+- 43) in her past. It really bothers me so much, I dont “want” her anymore.
But the Relationship is fantastic!
We talked about that before – why the %$!! am I stuck here for months/years ???!!!! – I dont solve this I will doom the relationship (you`ve said that) and I think it is true… Also that EXACTLY what repulses me/ turns me own! Why is my psyche THAT stupid??? Whats the benefit of that attraction/repulsion complex – how to get out of it? I dont want to fuck the relationship up! (I am NOT scared to loose her anymore though! – so things changed!)
Maybe I just don’t like women that “easy going”/open minded….
The topic is like super-glue!!
Steve answers: The issue is all yours, of course. So far as we know she is a healthy, lusty lady with an adventurous soul, who has gifted you with her passion. The problem is:
- Typical male ego: you have to be the more experienced one.
- Deeper animal reproduction drive: the preference for (more) virginal partners as a bulwark against cuckolding or bonding with someone already pregnant. Yeah, I know, this makes no “sense”–it is old wiring, and can only be addressed by first realizing how deep it goes, and the degree to which countless social rules and mythologies reinforce this.
- Yep, you’ll lose her if you cannot “grow up.” But so long as you don’t blame HER for that, and don’t tear yourself down, this is still one hell of a growth experience, as well as great fun!
- In many times and perspectives, finding a woman of greater experience is precisely what a young man wants. How else are you to learn? On the other hand, if you do the Madonna/Whore routine, that same woman’s experience can disqualify her from the ranks of those you take seriously as a potential partner. “Men marry the women they’d want their daughters to grow up to be.” But in truth, SHE isn’t disqualified…YOU are. If you don’t love yourself enough to accept your life path, you cannot see another human being clearly, and will lay your warped morality upon her.
- She has her vulnerabilities too. She knows you are judging her, and probably hopes that you are mature enough to see her humanity, hopes you can rise above your social programming and be a man who can walk with her in life, at least a little while.
- Can you? Start by being committed, then study the attitudes and actions of the kind of men who can, and daily work to implant their attitudes and reprogram your own. Forgive yourself if you can’t–the effort was still worthwhile.
- But no matter what, remember this is YOUR issue, not hers.
“The fights about that topic (subconsciously triggered?) have started.
Maybe I am really not ready for that woman. If it is like that – its ok. I just want to become real.
I cannot handle yet that she had hunted (mostly +- 10 year younger) men, went for threesomes etc.
This is all fine, I know it MENTALLY. but the EMOTIONALLY (patriachally conditioned??) glue is the real problem/challenge.
I do a healing the heart meditation from Rod Stryker to heal. Its similar to yours by nature (I suppose)
If it is the “truth” I have to leave her (for her/my best etc) its ok – but it would great to be able to handle that woman.
The last thing I need is that I am a whimp/weak/not man enough etc. now – I am really sad I have that problem.
So – how to start?”
You start by committing to use this experience to open your own eyes, to grow up. That you will love yourself and own your emotions, and realize this is ALL you in all likelihood. If she made a mistake in sharing her sexuality with you, fine. That doesn’t mean you’re broken, but it does mean you are wounded. She may or may not be the one you’re looking for (there is nothing wrong with learning and growing and simply relishing sensuality!) but the negative emotions you have around this clearly suggest you have work to do.
Rod Stryker was my yoga teacher training instructor! Good for you. I’m sure his stuff is good!
In short, you love the sex, but judge her for having gathered the experience that makes the sex great. Sorry, but the problem is all in your own insecurity.
It is experience that makes sex great? And yes, I am afraid I am not measuring up. I AM INSECURE… I can not deny it.. Even if I also have quite a lot experience.. But.. Is it a competition?
Is eating or sleeping a competition? No! Life is to be lived, with joy. Experience helps, no question about it…on the technical level. But what really makes the difference? COMMITMENT. The sense of “throwdown.” “Here I am.” Presence. Intercourse is like hooking two computers together over a USB. Everyone has the connectors. But the question is: what is the communication? It might be: “I treasure you. Let us share this moment.” It might be “I love you and will love you all my life.” But it should never be “I own you, and will judge you to see if you are worthy, and if not I will tear you to pieces for your past.”
I believe the technical name for that is “bullshit.” Women have the same lusts and needs that men have (and FAR greater capacity!) but also their own rules and laws, some of which are similar to men’s, others different because of biological or social needs, or inculcated religious rules. But one thing that is true is that there is a vulnerability, a “nakedness” so to speak. You can hurt her. She trusted you.
DON’T YOU DARE LAY YOUR INSECURITIES IN HER LAP. Whether or not this relationship survives, treasure it, enjoy it, give to your limit, learn all you can. No, its not a competition. But it is a chance to find out who you really are. You can know (in that wonderful phrase from, I think, “McCabe and Mrs. Miller”) “More tricks than a monkey with sixty feet of grape vine” and it won’t mean as much as simply being totally honest and present, with a sense of “these are my cards. What are yours?”
Love yourself enough to accept yourself, accept her, and want the very best for both of you. If you are not good for her, or she for you, let her go…but don’t you dare think you have the right to put her down because she enjoys sex. How dare you!
It really, really does come down to your own sense of self, and self-love. Insecurity is perfectly natural, but if you thought you were an absolutely fabulous human being, her previous experience wouldn’t bother you at all–you’d look at it as an opportunity to learn and grow!!
Great, Steven. I know that you are right, but I have to FEEL it not just believe it. I know so many techniques and I am (subconsciously?) convinced I cannot solve this.
Yes, you can. BUT NOT OVERNIGHT. Make a clear commitment. Something like: “I give thanks that I love myself and accept myself. I own my sexuality as a natural human thing, and seek a partner who does the same. I accept into my mind only the healthiest and most loving attitudes toward sex, as I do all other aspects of life.”
Use this in your Morning Ritual, chanted aloud with passion and commitment EVERY DAY during movement. Simply observe the ugly voices that come up to challenge you. Follow the source of those ugly voices during quiet meditation. Journal. Whose voices are they? Parents? Church? Friends? WHERE DID THEY COME FROM? Write them down, every one. Look at them and ask if you would consciously, deliberately accept them. If not, then go deeper…THE SOURCE OF EVERY ONE IS FEAR.
The cure for fear? Love and faith. GIVE YOURSELF A YEAR TO START THIS HEALING. It might well be possible to heal faster, but give yourself a MINIMUM of a year, during which time you start pumping the emotional sewage out of the cess pool under that mansion you’re building.
There are TONS of techniques. But all of them should be chosen to take you through the first three steps:
- Love yourself
- Bond to another healthy human being
- Understand the flow of your personal history, HER personal history, and male-female relations WITHOUT GUILT, BLAME, OR SHAME.
Do these things, and you will have moved to the next level of your life.