I couldn’t help that. The image of Toni Basil dancing at age 72 is just wonderful, and needed to be shared. Of course to make the joke work, you have to remember the Weird Al parody as well. My mind is just like that first thing in the morning.
At any rate, a gentleman we called “Ricky” is in a relationship with a rather lusty lady he finds sexually amazing…and intimidating due to her history. She has had more “experience” than he, and can’t stop worrying about it, feeling anger, fear, and other negative emotions he is rightfully concerned may destroy their relationship. He KNOWS intellectually that it is just his stuff, but emotionally, he is torn and tormented. I got a lovely note on the subject from a lady just yesterday, and wanted to share it:
Obviously on a different subject altogether, being the Diamond Hour address and topic.
I would encourage this young man to, as you said, lay down his cards.
Say directly to her, “I am afraid that you will judge me as too young and inexperienced for you, and that I come up short compared with your previous lovers. I am afraid that I will judge you out of my insecurity and tell you that your previous sex life is immoral, or wrong, somehow, so that I will reject you before you can reject me for being inadequate.”
Yes, he has things he needs to learn, perhaps on deep levels. but simplicity and honesty are the best way forward in a relationship. I cannot believe that she is unaware of his fears, and that she does not have her own fears of rejection.
Her response may very well be “I am afraid that you will judge me as too old and too sexually active for you, and I am afraid that I will judge you out of my insecurity, and tell you that you are too young, too uptight, too judgemental somehow, so that I will reject you before you can reject me for being too sexually active in my past.”
Tell the truth with love. Express your fear honestly and kindly, both to you and your beloved.
That’s my 2 cents.
Anyone who can speak this honestly will have no problem finding and keeping a relationship, IF THEY ALSO LOVE THEMSELVES. Such honesty, combined with self-love and compassion, is a direct road to human connection. To be able to do this, let’s look at the Chakras:
- Start with heart (4th Chakra, love). Love yourself enough to be willing to look deeply into your fears, trusting that you are, at the core of you, no better than an ant…but no less than the stars.
- Commit to protecting yourself. Period. (1st Chakra, survival)
- Commit to creating a relationship, a primary “mastermind” with one other human being. To do this, you must understand yourself and then expand that understanding to others. SO LONG AS YOU BEGIN WITH LOVE, this process is close to foolproof. If this primary mastermind is also a loving sexual relationship, you have created the basic building block of all life. Second Chakra stuff! If you love yourself, you will be able to bond to someone operating at your “level” of energy and awareness. This young man has deep insecurities. He has been searching for himself desperately. I cannot speak for the lady in question, but it is my experience that sexual connections are also “searches”. “Seeking.” Seeing yourself in the energetic mirror of erotic connection. It is exploring, growing, healing, play, giving and learning…on the positive side. But even if it has a negative component (and I do wonder about the numbers I racked up. I mean, seriously…what was that all about?) how DARE he criticize her, when she is the best he can currently attract? Frankly, if he cannot grow up, love and forgive himself, and then see that EVEN IF there are wounds in her psyche she was addressing through sexual connection, they are peas in a pod? And frankly, there is simply the possibility that she is just a very lusty lady, and her sexual explorations are nothing but an expression of the new freedom of the third Millenium, a natural outgrowth of birth control and antibiotics. If I was him, I’d consider her a benchmark to live up to, to be able to accept his own healthy animal urges, and separate his moralisms from the reality that we have this core nature, and it is no more evil than relishing a fresh and tasty piece of fruit.
Get that? Love (4th Chakra), Animal survival drives (1st Chakra), Sexuality (2nd Chakra). Third Chakra? The desire for power, both self-mastery and ability to influence your environment, which both attracts a mate (anyone who is specifically attracted to a LACK of discipline, or a LACK of power is, IMO, not a healthy camper) and protects any potential progeny arising from that connection.
And no, being on birth control, or gay, or post-menopausal doesn’t change this stuff: the circuitry is older than thought or society, and underlies our “civilized” considerations on the matter. The trick is to have our human intentions in alignment with our animal drives…and then, align both of those with our expanding sense of connection to others, and the entire world. Spirit.
But love, survival, and sex are a fine foundation. If necessary, connect with learning/communication (5th Chakra) and Reality Map-making/Problem solving (6th Chakra) to resolve any problems you have understanding what human beings are, what history says about us, while still coming from love. This is not a path for people who insist on clinging to their negative view of humanity.
Worst case? We’re just animals trying to move away from pain toward pleasure, and game theory pretty clearly shows that, long term, honesty and compassion pay off more than dishonesty and cruelty. So if we’re “neutral” all is well. If we are “good” its all good!
And if you think we’re “bad”? “Evil”? Your problem is in the mirror, friend. Let’s have that Raylan Givens quote again: “You run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. You run into assholes all day, you’re the asshole.”
Yup. And if you are? A year of “heartbeat meditation” and “ancient child” are among the prescriptions that will fix you up. “A YEAR???” I hear you screaming. Well, yeah. At the outside. And if that sounds like a lot, consider: year from now you’ll either be a year older, or a year older with someone much happier and healthier looking back at you from the mirror.