Tuesday is “Love Somebody” day
The greatest external joy in life may well be loving another human being. And most clearly, that means another adult, in a committed, passionate, bonded relationship. The benefits are vast, from support, to personal insight, to sexuality, companionship, master-mind partnering (two or more people aligned toward a worthy goal), security, and more.
The principle “we are attracted to people at our level and above. We attract people at our level and below” is sometimes troubling. What is meant by “level”? Intelligence, attractiveness, energy, integration…there are an entire flock of factors, and no two people will choose the same ones, or value them in the same order, or evaluate the quality or quantity of those attributes similarly. But if you can get out of your needy wounded abandoned child and stop pretending that you don’t evaluate potential partners according to some set of standards (everyone does), you can use this concept to see yourself as few other approaches will.
I’m not one of these “she’s better than me” people, and find the attitude disingenuous. Really? Your partner is really too good for you? In which case they are too stupid to realize it, right? Way to bring ‘em back down to earth, friend. Sneaky of you.
Here’s another way to put it that tweaks people: The person you’re with is the best you can do.
If you have a negative history, your mind might tell you I’m saying “this is the best you’ll ever do” or “abuse is what you deserve.”
No, no, no. If you were in an abusive relationship, the chances that you loved yourself at that time are pretty minimal. Go back to step #1: ‘Love yourself” and ask: “If I had a child I loved with all my heart, would I want him/her to be in relationship with this person?” If the answer is “hell, no!” then what are you doing there?
Usually fear. Fear that this is the best you can do, that disaster would befall you if you made a change. That “disaster” ranges from financial failure to sexual loneliness to actual fear of being stalked and hurt. Some of these fears are illusions. Some are unfortunate realities. Your only means of coping with them healthfully is to be willing to step up and love yourself enough to be willing to have the very best in life, to be willing to defend yourself.
And what of someone who stays in a bad relationship because of children? You know, there are life situations that get so bad there is almost no way to work your way out of them any more. In which case, step #1 (“love yourself”) might lead you to creating an inner world where you can be happy despite the externals. You may have made your bed, and have to lie in it. But you would still have the responsibility to find a way to happiness, and also to pass on healthy patterns to your children–help them escape the mistakes that you made. Doing this can be very difficult, seem near-impossible.
This is where FAITH comes in. Loving yourself can motivate you to create a “Daily Ritual” to raise your emotions. When the emotions are high and positive (which you can create by shifting your body, focus, and language) this is the time to lay your plans for action–the higher mood may not last long. If you have a clinical issue, the problem will likely be inability to make yourself stay on such a program, which might be considered a good clue that you need medical assistance.
But if you are “high” emotionally, you will feel more faith. That can lead you to researching, Googling subjects about abuse, leaving bad relationships, and support groups. Your best bet is to FIND PEOPLE WHO HAVE SURVIVED THE KIND OF RELATIONSHIP YOU ARE IN. In a world of seven billion people I PROMISE you there is nothing so unique about your situation that someone hasn’t had it worse and worked their way out. In fact…I’ll bet there are people who have had it worse, and found a way to happiness.
(Did that trigger guilt? Anger that I would suggest you aren’t doing all you can? That emotion is not your friend. If I add that “you are doing the best you can with the resources you have. If you want to do better, you must have new resources” does that help? If not, I would suggest that the part of you that is angry at me, or blames yourself, IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. In fact, I suggest that it is not “you” at all. It is part of the very programming that has damaged you so much you accepted into your heart and bed a person who fosters the worst in you, in whose interest it is to drag you down and beat hell out of your self image. That part will attack a potential ally more readily than the actual person damaging you. Ask yourself “why”.)
Once you get the habit of “riding” your positive “peak” moods (waiting for the moments you are “up” and doubling down on positive actions, research and planning during those times) you begin to accumulate the attitudes, actions, strategies of those who have moved from damage to health in the arena of relationships. Found love and passion despite early disasters. SOMEONE HAS. FIND THEM.
Believe that you deserve success here. Love. Passion. Connection. If you START by loving yourself, you will not doubt this. If you doubt this, you have not taken Step #1.
I would estimate that about 99% of people want this sense of love, passion, connection. If you are not one of them, I suspect you’ll grasp my intent and feel no resentment. If you have a negative emotional reaction to what is written here, use that as another indication that this natural human/animal drive has been twisted and perverted by someone outside you.
You have a right to more. It can be hard, terribly hard to believe this, and make it happen. But…its worth the struggle.
(the Morning Ritual is a core tool in creating a clear mind, healthy energy and positive emotions. If you are willing to try a 30-day experiment to see if it works for you, JOIN us in the Firedance Tai Chi workshop November 5th. WWW.FIREDANCETAICHI.COM)