People are just people

A FB thread detailed an incident where a guy was in a woman’s apartment, and she wanted sex.  He did not: he wanted to be faithful to his girlfriend. She proceeded to shame him and manipulate him emotionally until he performed.  The blogger was reminded of times that he himself had allowed himself to be cajoled and bullied into having sex, and concluded that it was necessary to change the “toxic masculinity” of feeling you have to produce and utilize an erection at the drop of a hat.  The thread that followed was full of “atta boy” type comments about how men must change.

Ummm…excuse me.  But while there may be some truth in that, can we turn this situation around?   If women were talking about being in a man’s apartment, and he emotionally browbeat and shamed a woman into having sex with him, wouldn’t that ALSO be considered “toxic masculinity”?    And if so, isn’t this a “heads I win, tails you lose” scenario?

Come on, folks.  The capacity to create a relationship with a member of the opposite sex is to grasp that both have the same human drives, but there are some differences in the approach.  MOST of this difference is individual stuff, but it is indeed possible to generalize once we admit that much of the difference is social conditioning.    But what happened here is nothing less than Victim Blaming.  All the bad things in life are the result of maleness?  Well, I might buy this if the speaker ALSO credited most of the discovery, art, and science to maleness.  But that doesn’t happen: what seems common to  say there is that males stopped women from entering and excelling in those fields.  

In other words, the disproportionate male presence in Positive arenas comes from the fact that male energy is  bad.   The disproportionate male presence in Negative arenas comes from the fact that male energy is bad. If a man coerces a woman into sex, it is because male energy. If a woman coerces a man, it is because male energy.

Wow.   The same thing is found in other arenas as well (we’ve discussed the redefinition of “racist” into something no non-white can be).  

Don’t get me wrong: this capacity for exaggeration isn’t an exclusive disease of the Left. There is a balancing dysfunction on the Right which either denies problems entirely, or blames it on the “Other” in an equal and opposite fashion.

But this one is bad for those who seek to find and nurture relationships across gender lines (and those who seek relationships with those of their own gender will run into their own serious problems, both mirroring and matching their own energy) will find something important here.  It is common for people to either project their own evil onto others, or to take it unto themselves in paroxysms of guilt and self-blame.   “They” are the problem or “I” am the problem.   “We” are the problem.    That we need to understand humanity and human history without guilt, blame or shame–but also realizing that it suits politicized agendas to project all the evil onto “the other” or to take that entire burden on yourself.

Women who think men are better than women, or men who think women are better than men are to be pitied in the same way as blacks who think whites are better than they are.   

Either you understand, or you don’t. Either you see beyond the surface, or you can’t. And if you can’t, believe me: you are going to be manipulated half to death.

You contain multitudes: aspects of male and female, black and white, all human potentials in every one of us.   If you don’t own that, you project your good or evil onto others, blaming or excusing them, seeking in them what you will not, do not, or cannot find within yourself.

And what a disappointment you are setting yourself up for.  Be careful.  There are no superior people out there on the other (or your!) side of the gender, racial, or political lines.   There just aren’t.  If your reasoning leads you to believe there are, I ask you to consider that perhaps you’ve not thought deeply enough.

Just maybe.



(Karate is more “Yang” and Aikido more “Yin”. Tai Chi is very much balanced between the two, and therefore a lovely physical metaphor for the balanced human being.   Join us on November 5th as we explore this art, and learn to anchor our dreams and emotions in our bodies.    This is having control of the vehicle in which you journey through life.   And once you have your hands on the wheel, you can begin to see the difference between life experienced as a random series of events, and life as conscious flow.  Join us!   WWW.FIREDANCETAICHI.COM)


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