Monday is Love Yourself Day
Over on the private site, a student spoke from the heart: he had made a serious connection with life-minded people on the Writing Excuses cruise, and was now feeling separation, loneliness, isolation. And it hurt.
This is such a common, human thing that people can choose to eschew human contact because it creates a vulnerability that is worse than keeping your shields up.
God, I really empathize. I feel it. When I was a kid, I was so lonely I made imaginary pets of the flies that landed on my hands at lunch time. It wasn’t until I discovered a talent for performance (in 11th grade) that I finally saw a glimmer of hope: I would learn to entertain, to communicate, and use that channel to connect with people who would love and support me.
And this was BOTH fear and love. I wanted women to love me, and I needed men to protect me. It was a matter of physical and emotional survival.
But years later, it became clear to me that the yearning for feminine companionship grew from a lack of connection to my own feminine self. To the degree that I could make that connection, I didn’t NEED women…however much I might WANT them was a different matter. And…and this is critical to understand…so long as I also had enough power to register as “male” on their hindbrain, the greater amount of sensitivity I had, the more attractive I became.
Conversely, the more connected I was to my own masculine energies, the less I NEEDED the approval and support of other men. But perversely, the less I needed it, the more magnetic I became. It was startling.
So whether you wish to ATTRACT people, or heal your own heart while in a solitary life situation, the answer is the same: you must learn to connect with your own male and female aspects, your own “child” “adult” and “elder” personas. Your own “inner family.”
Yes, hugs are great. So are intimate conversations, holding hands, sex, and kisses. But if you bleed when you don’t get them you will actually give off a failure vibe, and attract nothing but damaged people, rescuers and predators. Not a good equation.
So…what can you do? What could I have done as a young man, to more rapidly heal and become emotionally balanced?
- Journal your emotions. Writing down your feelings. Not only does it help to see them in print, but this becomes damned good practice for writing. You can see how emotionalized states look when rendered to text. You also get to look back over months or years of journals and see how your thought patterns changed and flowed from week to week.
- Have faith. Listen to what other people say. Everyone feels alone and afraid. The ONLY question is: what do you DO with your loneliness and fear?
- Meditate. Get in touch with your own heart, your own “inner family”. They are what you need. Everything else is just what you want.
- Help others. FOR MY OWN REASONS, help others. Take genuine joy in it, but NEVER give more than you can afford to walk away from. Pay for the coffee of the person following you at Starbucks. Open a door. Help carry someone’s groceries. Call an old friend and tell them you love them. Offer a complement without expecting a return. Be careful not to expect any direct pay-back from that person.
- Put your emotions into your writing. Put your emotions into your writing. Put your emotions into your writing. Oh, and did I say to put your emotions into your writing? This makes your writing better, increasing your chance of publication. Which will build your audience and connections.
- Join clubs that explore your interests. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. You will meet your friends while engaged with something that absorbs your interest. When your attention is off “you” your true energy emerges. IF you have done your work, that pure energy broadcasts “this is who I am” like a mating call, a homing beacon. People who are on the same frequency will be attracted. But you cannot do this directly. It must be INDIRECT. So focus on the activity. Helping people. Having fun. Be so engaged that you don’t notice if people are watching you or not. THAT is when you are at your best. That is when people will ask who you are. And also, perversely, when you care the least whether they do.
Wrap your mind around that apparent contradiction, and you win the game.
Namaste,
Steve
(enrollment for Revolutionary Writing is only open until December 3rd. Then we will close until next February so we can concentrate on helping our current students. www.createthenarrative.com)
Steven Barnes 