There is a gentleman who has been reaching out to me for some time. His problem is that his girlfriend is far more sexually experienced than he is, and apparently talks about it more than he likes. He complains in pretty ugly terms about it all, and here are my thoughts, in general.
- In this context, in this instance, the numbers of her sexual history means no more to me than how many people she’s played racquet ball with. The more important question is: why does it hurt you so much?
- You are both attracted to her sexuality, and repulsed by the realization that it existed before she met you. There are two broad possibilities, neither of which requires any real change from her. One, that it is greatly positive, in which case you are responding from your Needy Wounded Abandoned child (wahhh! Mommy’s hugged someone beside me!)
- The other is that it is greatly negative, in which case you have to ask yourself a serious question: the relationship you are in is what you can afford. The best you can do. If she is such a mess, you are an equal mess.
- In either case, the ONLY thing of importance is: you are a bleeding mess. Your only task is to stop hurting. That means either healing yourself to the point that her words about her past are irrelevant, or healing yourself until you can attract and hold a woman more on your wavelength.
- I don’t know her, and only have your comments about her, which will be deeply prejudicial. She might be an avatar of sexual love for all I know. Or, she could be greatly damaged and lurching from abuser to abuser. No neutral data. The only thing I can be sure of is that she should NOT trust you with her heart. If I was her, I’d rub it in your face too. Why? Because I’d KNOW you were judging me, and would want to watch you twitch and jump, to remind me not to trust you.
- 100% certainty: if she trusted you, opened her heart to you, surrendered to the relationship…one day when you were angry, you would call her a slut. 100% certainty. I don’t know why she is in relationship with you, but she is wise to keep you at a distance.
- You have money issues, serious ones. The easiest “fix” for you is to heal this wound. You will be a different man then, more secure and self-contained. From that place you will have fewer exposed nerves, more centeredness, less desperation. The other men she has related to will be less intimidating to you. To do this you will have to produce goods and services your community finds valuable, learn to risk rejection through sales and marketing, and make adult value-for-value transactions with them. Right now, emotionally, you are a child. Children shouldn’t engage in reproductive behavior.
- The truth is that your best bet is to consider her to be above your level. Let it go. Spend a year healing yourself. As it is, you are trying to overhaul your car while driving it on the freeway.
- THE PROBLEM IS YOU, NOT HER. Can there be issues with “too many” sexual partners? Sure. Or too few. Or none. It is not my place to offer the slightest judgement: I’d need information I cannot get from you, and she hasn’t given me permission to look into her in that way. No interest in it.
- The “little boy” inside you is desperately unhappy. You have abandoned him, and expect her to pick up the slack. She may be thinking that if you can grow the @#$$ up you’d be a good man. I think she’s right. But you are not that man today, and won’t be tomorrow. Right now, you have to learn to take care of yourself, provide your own inner resources, and stop demanding things you have no right to ask from another human being. Maybe then you’ll be worthy of a good, mature, alive female of the species. But not today.