I’m never offended if people ask me to perform or present for free. I have this thing called a “no” and another thing called a “counter proposal.” Its not up to an organization to protect me. It’s up to the Adult part of my personality, the “Daddy” to protect Little Stevie, who really does just want to get up there and shine and have fun.
Don’t develop that part? And you fall into the “it’s not faiiiiir!”
What is that expression? “In business, you don’t get what you’re worth. You get what you can negotiate.”
How about in sales? “You aren’t in the business of X. You are in the business of MARKETING X.”
How about relationships? “You will be attracted to people at your level and above. You will attract people at your level and below.” If your “adult” self is developed, this is like hearing: “I won’t carry you out of the woods, but the path is right there.” Waah! Carry me!!
Nope. Every chipmunk in the woods knows no one is coming to save them. Why do we so often feel it is “unfair” when people do a very typical animal thing:
If you leave a pork chop on the floor, and the dog eats it, it isn’t the dog’s fault. It is the nature of dogs to eat pork chops that are on the floor.
Of COURSE people will try to get all they can for as little as possible. Nothing, if they can. I remember talking about “Trust” with Swift Deer after someone had hurt me in a business deal. “Don’t trust people” he said, that cynical bastard. “Instead, RELY upon them to do what they see as being in their own self interest.”
Wow, is that ever negative…or is it? What does that mean? It means that YOU CAN TRUST OTHER PEOPLE TO THE EXACT LEVEL THAT YOU CAN TRUST YOUR OWN PERCEPTIONS. Your own ability to figure out what they see as “their own interests.”
How to do that? First, get in touch with YOUR own motivations. Do you, for instance, ask other people to be your Mommy or Daddy?
Remember that student of mine who was furious at his girlfriend for talking about her past lovers? Why was he angry? (Come on, you should know this by now)…HE WAS AFRAID. What was he afraid of?
“Mommy” wasn’t just giving her love to him. What she gave him wasn’t “special” snurf snurf. She gave it to OTHER boys snurf snurf. Poor baby.
Boy oh boy, am I glad for her that she was smart enough to bring up her past again and again. Otherwise, she might have fallen in love with him, and known, in her heart, that one day he would be angry and rub her nose in her past, and rip her heart out of her chest.
Why don’t we take adult responsibility for our emotions? (“I provide everything I need emotionally. My relationships with others are about what I want, and what I can give.”)
Why not take adult responsibility in business? (“yes, my little boy loves to dance and make mommy and daddy laugh and clap. But I have to be `mommy and daddy’ now. I have to be willing to market, sell, negotiate, and protect. Because otherwise when I deal with adults who AREN’T Mommy and Daddy, they will eat that emotional pork chop I left on the floor. LOVE ME! I will say. “Sure,” they will answer. Come dance for hugs.”
You want money? Money is the adult world. Better the hell be an adult, or your “kid” will be very unhappy.
If you go to someone, or the world, and say “be my Mommy or Daddy” what are you doing? You are denying responsibility for your own maturity. It is NOT their responsibility to do this. It is YOUR responsibility to do it. If you don’t have those chops, you had better the hell have a manager, an agent, a lawyer, a “minder”, a marketing and sales section to surround that little kid’s heart and protect it.
But when you demand that…they ain’t gonna do it for hugs. You are demanding that they be adults, they deal with the adult world. They are gonna want money, oh yes they will.
Now, if they are honest, they won’t take more than you negotiate. But THEY have a little boy, little girl to care for, too. And they are going to negotiate the biggest contract they can, and you’ll be left with nothing if you can’t get “adult” about it.
What are the healthiest relationships? Frankly, it is between two adults who ARE adults, but also in touch with their child selves. Then their “kids” can play, but each “adult” is ultimately responsible for their own heart. But even better, (say between me and T) sometimes my “child” is wounded and I just can’t quite manage to provide myself all the nurturing I need. I’ve got a LOT in the ‘bank’ with her,and I can borrow her “Mommy” to comfort me. Feels wonderful.
But I have to be there as “Daddy” for her little girl. And gladly do. Wonderful little girl she has, and sometimes she is playful, and sometimes she is wounded and lonely. She could re-integrate and heal on her own…but she knows she can come to me, and I will comfort her.
What would happen if I stopped comforting her? It would be like a mouse searching for cheese in a maze. If there is cheese there for a few days, and then you take the cheese away, the mouse will keep searching for a while…and then stop. In a relationship, if things go bad, we’ll keep searching for the “cheese” for a while…and then if we are healthy, we stop.
And you know what? If you aren’t honest enough to grasp that you were trying to get your partner, or business partner, or world, to carry the burden of being the “adult” without being willing to see that THEY want what’s best for THEM as well…if you try to manipulate them, guilt trip them, or tell them that they “owe” you anything other than honesty and perhaps kindness…you are being a child. And the “adults” around you will sniff that. And you will bring out the very worst in even “normal” people. The same instinct to burden them with responsibility for you will trigger their own tendency to seek unfair advantage.
And they you have a feeding frenzy. Blood in the water. Remember that line from “Broadcast News”? “Wouldn’t it be great is `needy’ were a turn-on?”
It isn’t, except in other wounded people…or sharks.
Be your own parent. THEN I’ll let you play with my little boy.