“Incel” and the Dating Game

Conversation about “Incel” men (“Involuntary Celibate.”)   Guys who can’t make a sexual connection.

I remember back when I taught martial arts, and I was attracted to a couple of ladies in the classes.  One at a time I asked them to stay after class, and as politely as I could,   I asked them out.    They thought about it, and said no.  I was disappointed, but enjoyed them as people and students, and continued to be connected to them in the way that they felt comfortable. One I was friends with until the end of her life, the other is still a friend to this day. They found other guys.  Good guys–liked ’em both.


And that “sting”?  As soon as I found a girlfriend, the sting died. All it is is fear of not finding reproductive space (on the biological level), and fear of being unlovable, or not being loved, on an emotional level.   Easiest fix is to find a connection elsewhere. Fastest way to do that is to stop resenting potential partners for not wanting you.


Do YOU want everyone?  Anyone?   If so, you should have no problem finding a girlfriend/boyfriend.  But you have standards, don’t you?  Tell the truth.


So what really bothers you is your fear that you wouldn’t match your own standards.  That what you want is beyond who you are.   Easy fixes: either raise your game, or lower your standards.  Don’t like that?  Say its not fair?


Yeah.  Life isn’t fair.  It isn’t unfair, either.  It just…is.




Guys who can’t get laid (and are “friend zoned”) are kind of like women who CAN  get laid but can’t get in a relationship. I find the two states very similar, and it has a nice symmetry.


(As an aside, I’ve had countless women, even “plain” ones, tell me with confidence that they know they can go into any bar, any party, and find a guy to take them home.   Guys with that level of sexual confidence are called “egotists.”   But it really does make sense.   If you think there’s no difference, good luck with that and report back to me how your relationships work out, wouldja?)


The trick with these angry, frightened men and women is that they have standards, but are unhappy that other people have them as well.


I ran into this back in Junior High School.  I saw the pretty, popular girls.  Not one of them was interested in me.   Resentful at this,  my answer to this was to study the women I desired and the men I admired. What kind of men were the women attracted to? What kind of women did those men have? Were the things these people did congruent with my values? Yes? Was I doing them? No? Then start. Simple as that. And a couple of things happened.


  1. I stopped noticing the women who weren’t attracted to me.  They were there as HUMAN BEINGS, but I stopped…reacting to them “as women”.  My reaction was either “this is a nice person” or “Hey, Now!!”  And with a bizarre increasing frequency, the women I was attracted to were also attracted to me.   It wasn’t necessarily that there were MORE of them now…but I was broadcasting a more specific signal, perhaps. And paying attention only to those who were “of my tribe”–I was on their wavelength.
  2. IF they were “of my tribe”, on my “wavelength”, and they were ALSO unattached, the mating dance began.  Sniffing each other out. Interests? Goals? Values?  Energy levels?  If those things matched, and we were also heading in the same direction (at least for the night, ahem) then Game On.
  3. And the women I was attracted to, but weren’t attracted to me?  After a while, they faded away…as potential sexual partners. They were still there as business associates, neighbors, students, friends, mentors, sisters, daughter-figures, mother-figures.  But it didn’t sting, because they weren’t what I was looking for.  I was looking for someone who was looking for me.  Not interested in me? Have a nice life, but why should I be upset?
  4. If you love yourself, and would be attracted to yourself, you should have no problem connecting with those attracted to you. We attract people at our “level” and below. And are attracted to people at our level…and above.  The trick is to expand that “sweet spot” so there are plenty of possibilities: people on your wavelength, going in your direction, available for relationships.
  5. Just as an aside, if Tananarive got hit by a meteor, and I was in a strange city with no connection?  I’d start taking yoga classes. Why?  Because I like the focus, physicality, mindset and attitude of the kind of women yoga attracts, and there are generally more women in the class than men.   “Target rich environment.”  I’d wait about six weeks, scoping the situation out, focusing on a powerful practice.  See who smiled back. Chatted back.   And after about six weeks…I’d very politely ask if anyone wanted to go for tea afterward. Coffee. Lunch.   Look to see who sparked.


It would work like gangbusters.  Because I’d be genuinely projecting who I am (you can’t fake a yoga pose) that I shared at least some of their values, was respectful and polite.  All you have to do is remember that human beings generally want love and sex–you don’t have to convince them of that, you just have to convince them that they want to buy your brand. 


Cold blooded?  Not really.  CALCULATING it is. Cold it is not, at least not to me.  If  a woman didn’t want me, if I cared about her I would hope she’d find love and happiness elsewhere.


I SURE as well was going to, no slightest doubt.  Why?  ‘Cause I like me. If I wasn’t me I’d want to be me.  If I was a guy, I’d want to be my friend, and if I was a woman I’d want to jump my bones.


And frankly, I think ANYONE who likes and loves themselves that much will have no problems at all.






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