Jason is fourteen, and for the very first time starting to talk more directly about wanting a girlfriend, specifically a certain tall young lady I caught a glance of a week ago.
And quite reasonably, T said that its time for That Talk. Well, the core biology of it is handled through school and certain videos I know he’s snuck and peered at on the computer at least two years ago. That certainly leaves a lot of gaps to fill in, but the big question, the BIG BIG question, will be the “When?” This, in my mind, is the reason why simulated violence is more accepted than simulated sex in films (the real thing is about equally taboo). Violence in your child’s life is an “if.” Sex is a “when?”
Every culture has different answers for this. Different religions, social classes, periods of history, and so forth. And every parent has to deal with this. Some abdicate the responsibility: “I have no control. Images, friends, society programs my child. He/she will do what he/she wants.”
Not my attitude. Mine is that it is my job to clearly and directly lay out the very best map of life I’ve created, testable at every level, and allow my children to test it once they get out in the world. They WILL rebel–it is what they are programmed to do, and without that we’d still be stuck in the trees. But a healthy child comes to “this is me” rather than “this is not-you” and the difference is stunning.
I knew this moment would come with Nicki, and I spent the time between age six and age…fifteen? thinking about what I wanted to say that would minimalize life-altering mistakes, but leave the door open for a happy, healthy love life. Why wait? When is there a “green light”? And how can I explain all of the social and religious rules around sex if it isn’t a matter of evil and danger and oogieness?
Hey…I knew the job was dangerous when I took it.
The “Incel” movement strikes me as low-self esteem high-ego low-skill “scared-I’m-beta” types with an inability to read social cues. If you look at the chakras, you’d say they have no power (how many are living with Mom, or under-employed for their self-perceived levels of intelligence?), closed hearts and poor communication/empathy scores. Inaccurate maps of reality. Messes.
On an internal level, they are bags of broken glass. Externally, most of them don’t seem to understand the most basic animal levels of the mating game. What’s the most basic level?
- Love yourself. You have to feel that you have something worthwhile, something precious. Otherwise you will “settle” for whoever shows interest. One of the great experiences of life is the first time you are attracted to someone who is attracted to you. Wow. The CLICK! you feel in your head and heart and crotch can be thunderous, all “sweet mystery of life at last I’ve found you!” stuff. Danger, Will Robinson. It is NOT love, unless you are very very lucky indeed.
- Love one other person. A healthy love is simply seeing your own being in another person. Feeling the other half of a potential whole. If you REALLY see yourself in them, and you love yourself, YOU WANT THE BEST FOR THEM. That means that you don’t want to possess them–you want to give to them, nurture them. And if you aren’t the best thing for them? If you love yourself enough to have confidence in your preciousness, you know that you will find something wonderful, and with regret, you can let them go.
- Understand history without guilt, blame, or shame. Here, it is simple. Look at human mating patterns around the world. Read poetry throughout the ages, and see that simple yearning for connection that has birthed every human being since the very beginning, continuous with mammalian mating patterns and primate tribal groupings. It all fits together. And what do we see? We see that sexual relationships, while certainly involving pleasure, health, bonding, spirituality, self-expression and more, MUST lead to reproduction, or the species dies. If you are a healthy potential partner to create, raise and protect potential young, you will have no problem attracting potential partners. If you love yourself, you will be attracted to some of those attracted to you. Bob’s your uncle. “Pick Up Artist” culture seems to be about “faking” being a healthy resource-rich and confident male, just as the female equivalent is about faking eternal sexual and reproductive readiness. This crap is so simple its scary. The 21st Century suggests that we can move beyond the traditional balance of the “Beauty-Power” axis, with BOTH partners bringing beauty and power to the table. Great!
And what does this mean? It suggests that the “Incels” don’t grasp the need for self-love and genuine power–the ability to protect potential young. That is what makes the DING DING DING! go off in the average person’s head. Again, no genetic line that has lasted this long is likely to lack that response.
So, proposed to Jason: The standard to attract a healthy, attractive partner is to be the male equivalent of the kind of woman he is attracted to. Do you want healthy emotions? Have them. Physical attractiveness? You do all you can do to be a healthy physical and emotional creature, and you’ll attract someone you can relish. Power? That ain’t just “potential.” That is “demonstration.”
Like the old song said:
Yip yip yip yip yip yip mum mum mum mum mum…GET A JOB.
Yep. There you have it. Every male bird in the #$%% forest knows to build a #$%% nest before looking for a mate. And the SINGLE greatest most reliable way for a man to increase his attractiveness is owning his own house.
At a convention recently I spoke to the wife of a successful doctor. She is a woman of high accomplishment herself in multiple fields, confident enough to simply laugh when she talked about what happened when they moved to a new town. The single women began to buzz around: “oh! A man with a credential! Financially stable and successful! Is he married? Yes?” And then the low-throated QUESTION: “Is it working?”
Hah! And is this “career” thing equally applicable to women? Today…that’s where we’re going as gender roles shift, yes. I’d bet that way. But even if they hadn’t, this was still my recommendation to Nicki: “When you have learned to focus your mind, emotions, and body sufficiently to create LEGAL products and services you can trade with your community to put a roof over your head and food on your table…you are an adult, and ready to make an adult decision.”
A woman who doesn’t have this is vulnerable to looking for a rescuer, a child looking out at the adult world without confidence. I can’t do that, but if I can find a man…
Toxic. Dishonest. YES you can be an adult. Yes, you can learn what you need to know to step across that line. And yes you should be an adult before you take a chance to create a human being. There is little more damaging to a society than babies raising babies.
For the sake of your heart. The sake of future children. And for the sake of attracting the most delightful partner, because the more power you have, the more beauty you can attract. The rules are a little different for men and women, but there is still truth here.
And how PRECISELY would I jigger those rules for Jason? You will hit the “sweet spot” of power to attract the kind of woman you want when you can support yourself and two other people.
Love yourself. Learn to focus mind, heart, and energy to create goods and services that you can exchange with your community to support yourself and two other people. Bob’s your uncle.
DING DING DING!
Yeah, kids will experiment. Yeah, ultimately he will make his own choices. But to the degree that I can tie ANYTHING I’m trying to teach him into his own long-term goals, he then has his own motivations for action. Remember the RPM pattern?
WHAT do you want? Say…To find a Soulmate, what Dad found.
WHY do you want it? Happiness, passion, family, support, partnership, companionship. And yeah, sex.
HOW do you get it? At this point? Get good grades in high school to prepare for college. Strengthen your body to make it as work and play-ready as possible (remember: most sports, more traditional human motion relates to hunting, mating, or fight/flight behaviors). Love yourself. See yourself in others so that courtesy, kindness and warmth are natural, not “affect.”
What can’t I tie into that process? Morality? Industry? Creativity? Emotional mastery? Discipline? Behavioral control? Postponing pleasures?
I can tie EVERYTHING in to the question: “how do I satisfy my sexual needs with integrity?” It all goes there. And by the time he’s sixteen, that driving question is gonna be blinding in intensity, as the glands kick into top gear. If he KNOWS exactly what he needs to do to satisfy it, WHY it is a good idea to postpone for a while, the “Sexual Transmutation” idea from Think and Grow Rich (transfer thoughts of sex to thoughts of career success or athletic achievement) then you have learned to hitch the biological horses to the heart-space needs and head-space goals.
You are aligned. So…
All of that thought goes into an almost casual comment. “Physical things should be postponed until you have physical resources. Sex is an adult game. Being an adult means taking responsibility for your life and emotions. That means some people are adults at sixteen. Others aren’t adults at forty. Work it out.”
Or put most simply? Focus. Finish school. Decide who you want to be, and get good at it. Learn to market it, either to create a business or fit into someone else’s business.
Yip yip yip yip yip yip mum mum mum mum mum…GET A JOB.
And then? Heh heh. Have fun, m’lad.
I sure as hell did.