The Fourth Principle, Flame Wars, and Incels

Remember those five principles?

  1. Love Yourself
  2. Love One Other Person
  3. Understand History without guilt, blame or shame
  4. Don’t argue with Trolls: support your tribe
  5. Win with integrity


Right now, not a single day goes by that I don’t hear someone complain that they were arguing with some political opponent, and “could not convince them” and are SO frustrated about it. Angry.


Compare this to the number of times I see someone saying: “I argued with someone who had a totally different point of view and convinced them!!!”   About 10:1.  Easily.


In other words, arguing leads to an increase in the net amount of frustration, the net confusion and depression…not an increase in the net amount of clarity and connection.


What DOES?  Rather than fighting, insulting, arguing…step #4 suggests that, once you have calmly presented your view on the matter, if they see things differently, you grasp that there is a difference in some root belief, and that without addressing it, “arguing” is pointless.  It might make you feel better (“hey!  I stood up to those bastards!”) but you really didn’t accomplish your outcome.


Remember your outcome?  To be happy, healthy, successful, safe.  The rest is the MEANS to that goal.


There is a real, real difference between screaming at/about your enemies…and providing a motivating vision of the future.  Protecting and nurturing your tribe.  Moving toward your goals with malice toward none…but not taking any shit, either.


And you know what happens: when you are dynamic AND at peace AND happy, you will attract people naturally to your position…including some of those people you were arguing with.  And hey, even if you don’t, you haven’t wasted your time.




I just realized last week that this same process connects to the “Soulmate” concept.    I was able to map all five over from group dynamics to individual experience in about five minutes, and we’ll be talking about that more in the GEEK’S GUIDE TO FINDING YOUR SOULMATE, the live workshop we’ll be doing in January (you’ll have a chance to pre-reg next week)


Take a look at this mapped over to the discussion above.


I say it has uncanny echoes of the fear and resentment “Incels” display.  That people “trapped”  in the “friend zone” (when one person wants romance/sex, and the other only wants friendship) display.

“I HAVE to fight them.”  No, you have to get your outcome.  Fighting is only a means, at best.  When it becomes an end in itself…you have a problem.

“I HAVE to convince them to love me/have sex with me.”   No, you might well “have” to have love and sexual connection.   ANY GIVEN PERSON IS JUST A MEANS TO THAT END.


If you START with step #1: Love yourself, then you realize that love is something you give yourself, and then share with others. If you need to “get it” from others, you are going to be co-dependent AT BEST.  At worst, you will be a magnet for broken souls and predators.  Or become a predator yourself, in my opinion a fate worse than death.


But what about sex?   Am I suggesting a life of solitary sport?   Hardly.  But here is where I go back to that terrific quote from “Broadcast News”: “wouldn’t it be great if needy were a turn on?


Well…it isn’t. Then what is?  Confidence.  Self-respect. Aliveness. Awareness.  Energy.  Moving like a healthy animal.  People see that, feel that, experience that in all of its manifestations, and want to be connected to it.


The less you need people, the more attracted to you they are.  It is one of the cruelest paradoxes, but what kind of a world would we have if the opposite was true? If the weaker, more broken and needy people were, the more we were attracted to each other? What the HELL would we be breeding for?


Can you imagine this in the animal kingdom, in early humanity?  Applied to other arenas?  The slower and stupider you are…the worse you are at hunting and gathering…the less efficient you are at evading predators…the sexier you get!


Wow. I’m not even sure I could WRITE that story. That species is dead in about three generations.  Ugh.


But if you love yourself, if YOU would be attracted to YOU, and I mean really, deeply…then you won’t have much trouble attracting a partner who is on your frequency, and who therefore is an appropriate mate.  To do that, all you have to do is live up to your own standards.  Is that too much to ask?  Yes?


Then love yourself more.  Forgive yourself.  Really GET that you’ve done the best you could with the resources you had.   Do that…and you will see other people differently.  Less hierarchically. Sure, its fun to play the game of “how much beauty/brains/power can I attract and hold?” but you also know its just a game.


It is IMO probable that under survival situations, dropping ALL the bullshit, almost any two men and women could create a loving, sexual, mutually supportive bond.   That was of course the theme of Lina Wertmuller’s terrific “Swept Away.”   Once you add the social stuff back in, the confusion mounts and we have a very different picture.


Once you connect with the love within you, you stop playing games of “better or worse,” comparing yourself with others.   And when you do that, you see more clearly the price that other people pay to be who they are. And just as I would NOT have wanted Tananarive to marry me unless I could be good for her, you will have no fear of letting one person go…and preparing yourself to meet the next.


And the instant you can do that…you become more attractive.  It is a version of “the watched pot never boils.”   PRIMARY attention has to be on living your life.

Socially, you drive people away by fighting them. Doesn’t mean you don’t protect your tribe, but you don’t go looking for fights.  The good shepherd doesn’t go out looking for wolves to shoo away or convince not to be wolves.   He might well go out to kill them. Are you killing these people you argue with? Or just making them madder?  Are you arguing out of ego, or because it actually accomplishes anything?


Meanwhile, while you are out howling at wolves, your flock is frightened, wounded, needs succor and security.  And other wolves are sneaking in the back door. YOUR FLOCK is  your concern.  Comforting and protecting the flock.   Build fences to keep the wolves out, yes.  Destroy wolves who attack your flock–and I’m with you.  But what is the rough equivalent of Destroy?  Arguing?  Banning?  Get CLEAR on this, and stick to it.  The life of your flock is at stake.


And in dating…what precisely are you accomplishing by blaming, flaming, arguing, begging?  Looking at everyone but the wounded child in the mirror (your inner “flock”).  Nurture THAT part of yourself, and you get the energy and creativity you need to transform.   Become a person who is in alignment with your own values, and you will attract like people.  Increase the amplitude of your “signal” to reach more people, and you increase the likelihood of meeting someone appropriate: if I had never published, if T had never published, we never would have met.


It is brutally simple, really.    Don’t fight over anything you aren’t willing to die for, and you become a beast.  Don’t expose your heart wholly to people unwilling or incapable of loving you back.


To me, the principles map over beautifully.  What do you think?




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