A question came up yesterday: what happens if you have no healthy role models for relationships? What would happen if you grew up on an island, and the only people around you lisped? You would speak in a lisp. What if they all walked with a limp? You probably would too.
When I was a kid, I was a four-eyed nerd with a pot-belly, no girlfriends and everyone told me my dreams were rubbish. My mother and father had divorced by the time I was about eight (I don’t clearly remember) and I had no brothers, uncles or step-father nearby to model to figure out how to be a man, or how to interact with women and girls.
But one thing I did have, was CERTAINTY that my mom loved me. I never doubted that. And that gave me the strength to do everything else.
When Nicki was a little girl, about 8, a point came where she seemed to lack confidence, didn’t believe that she could accomplish something. Again, I wish I remember exactly what it was. Perhaps performing in a school play, something like that. And I took her and stood her in front of a mirror and look in her own eyes and say “I like myself! I love myself!” She was so nervous at first, almost as if she didn’t believe it was all right to say such a thing. But as she kept going suddenly she started smiling and giggling…a great smile. A heavenly giggle.
And she was saying it and MEANING it. She liked herself! She loved herself!
And whatever that challenge was, she went right out and CRUSHED it.
What a difference.
That’s where the SOULMATE PROCESS starts, yes. But it is also where the power to defend yourself comes from. And the power to speak your truth. In “Chakra” terms it is loving yourself (heart) enough to be willing to die defending what is most precious about you (Survival, “Root”). You can go the other way: Root (Survival) by, for instance, slowing your breathing until the CO2 in your bloodstream triggers panic response, then connecting that energy to your heart, climbing “up” through sex and power along the way.
Either works. And had it not been for that rock-solid love from my mom, and the bullies who made me fear for my life, burned pain into my body…and the methods of healing I learned from masters like Dawn Callan and Sri Chinmoy…I might never have learned how to heal the wounds that had trapped me in nerd-dom in the first place. I had been a total head-case, lived in a world of books and images and concepts, rather than in my emotions and physical body. Too much pain there. But if there had been LESS pain, just a little…I might never have been pushed to solve the riddle.
You, (yeah YOU) want to feel secure, to have unleashed passion, to have a body that mirrors what attracts you in a healthy animal sense, an open loving heart and someone to share it with, the ability to speak your truth no matter who opposes you, a clear and effective map of reality that allows you to achieve success and live with joy, and ultimately to make every day of your life a step along a path of growth and evolution and contribution.
(and the ability to forgive yourself for not living up to impossibly high ideals. I know people like that, and they rip themselves to pieces for not being perfect. Perhaps you know someone like that. Perhaps they live in your mirror)
Yes, you. The first step will be to twine the emotions of Love and Fear together to get that pure survival current. For most of us, that means increasing the amount of love. Remember the WHAT WHY HOW pattern?
WHAT do you want? It will be something that you love, or at the least an escape of some pain or fear.
WHY do you want it? This will be some form of love, or escape from fear. Pleasure, or relief from pain.
The rest is just tactics. Really. Trivial in comparison. Have a clear enough WHAT and WHY and know WHO has achieved it before…and the HOWS are just “stuff I do to get the things I want”. At the very worst, it is like cleaning the cat-box. Any one really ENJOY cleaning a cat-box? Then why do you do it every day?
Because you love cats.
Same thing. When you love yourself, you have the energy necessary to accomplish anything. And the first thing you are probably going to do…and the first step to becoming a really mature human being…is to love another human being. The changes you go through once this happens are MASSIVE and once you open that door, there is no going back.
So…DON’T OPEN IT BEFORE YOU FIRST LOVE YOURSELF. If you don’t love yourself, you will let anyone treat you any way at all, as long as they give you that feeling your crave. You won’t be as sensitive to “predator” energy as you would be if that person came home with your son or daughter. If you don’t love yourself, there is no value to what you have to give them, and you will feel you have to half-kill yourself just to break even. If you don’t love yourself, you will QUESTION THEIR JUDGEMENT. I mean, if you aren’t worth love, how could they love you? They must be tricking you. Or…they are stupid. Or…they will wake up, realize their mistake, and leave you.
You have to start with self-love, and if you have not experienced it, it may take some time. If the damage is deep, give yourself at least a year to really get in there, clean things out, and create a new foundation. Be gentle. You’re doing the best you can, and always have.
WHAT is to love yourself
WHY is to experience the joy and passion you crave and deserve
HOW is to connect to your heart and survival drives.
There are countless ways. Google is your friend. But what I do every morning is spend 20 minutes listening to/feeling my heartbeat while visualizing the little kid inside me. I listen to what he has to say. I bring him playmates.
(Aside: this morning it was the bifertile hermaphrodite “Leslie” character from the STREETLETHAL books. THAT was really interesting. Lethal little scamp. Can play “girl” or “boy” with equal facility. Considering that THAT is how I really see human beings, that I see males and females as having stretched and exaggerated their dimorphism to create safety for children (often at great price–for both men and women) seeing Leslie down in my “Safe Room” was fascinating. Wonder what it means.
Don’t know, but I like it.)
Anyway….this is the path. Start with your heart. Or start with survival. DON’T try to “figure it out”: that’s “waking up your kundalini from the top down” and perhaps the single most typical mistake made by Geeks and Nerds. Lovely, brilliant, often beautiful people who are top-heavy, trying to figure out the world rather than experiencing it. Thinking that “understanding” is the point.
No. Being is the point. That means you can’t be chasing after your most basic needs. And that means connecting with the source of your life, within you. When you can do that: you have taken the first step.
That’s the WHAT. The WHY is to get your life, heal your heart. And…find your Soulmate. The ‘Proto-Soulmate” is YOU. Connect with YOU…and the rest is frickin’ so easy its like magic.
When the Lover is ready, the Beloved will appear.
(Watch this space…we’ll be ready to really share with you next week!)