We’ve all felt alone and desperate, and the very worst thing about my deepest well of loneliness was that, by an amazing coincidence, the most attractive woman I knew gave me a chance to be with her. The chance of a lifetime. And…I totally blew it, dumping all my emotions out on her like a breached dam, washing away any chance I might have had. She was beautiful, sexy, smart, a lioness.
I’d been a rabbit. I wasn’t on her frequency at all, and thank God I didn’t fall for the “Incel” insanity. At least I knew it was MY problem, and not hers in the slightest.
I realized a very hard thing for someone who prides himself on his intelligence: I was clueless about relationships. Totally a “Geek” about what worked in the dating “market.” Despite considerable success in my career (I’d published fifteen novels) , and in my physicality (I had two black belts), I had met my wife in college, a pressure-cooker where we were literally thrown together every day by living in the same space.
I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO COURT. How to approach the women I was attracted to, or how to treat them once they gave me a chance to get closer.
And all of my errors rooted in fear. Loneliness. Worry. Confusion. A terrible dilemma was hitting me at the worst time:
I wanted a relationship so that I could feel joyful. But the lack of feeling joyful poisoned my ability to find a relationship.
I had done life coaching and even created a system of personal development called “Lifewriting” with which I’d helped thousands of students. Why couldn’t I help myself? And asked myself: “If I was one of my own students, and came to me with this problem, what would I suggest?”
And the answer was: go deeper. Don’t get lost in the surface of this. That is a Gordian Knot. Go deeper, and find the truth.
I started to do two things: running to raise my energy, and meditation to use that energy to focus through the knots.
And started asking questions:
What did I want? A girlfriend.
Why did I want a girlfriend? Companionship and sex. I knew that was true, because I ACHED for connection. It felt like I wanted to die, the rift was so wide, the abyss so deep.
Why did I want those things? To feel connected to my heart, and the world.
And then I asked myself a critical question: if I had that connection, deeply and honestly, what then?
I got a little quieter…as if asking the question helped to release a bit of the pain.
Well…I would feel less damaged and battered, less hollow and alone. It was all true. But admitting it exposed the rot in a way that felt…cleansing.
Deeper: and if I felt whole, and connected, what then?
Well…I would feel at peace.
And if I felt at peace, what then?
I would feel as if I had returned home, to a place of safety, and comfort, and joy.
And if I felt safe, and joyful, what then?
I would feel connected to the divine. Complete and whole.
And there wasn’t another question. That one was the answer, the real answer. That I had sought relations with another to find the connection to my own deepest self. That that lack of connection had poisoned my attempts to find a new partner.
I had a new plan. IN ORDER TO FIND THE RELATIONSHIP OF MY DREAMS, I HAD TO ALREADY BE COMPLETE. I had to find the joy within myself. Otherwise I risked being an “energy vampire” begging for someone to love me, heal me.
And if I really loved women, and really wanted the best for them, I’d suggest they run like hell from a man like the man I had been.
What to do? The path out of that trap was to create a daily ritual of action, emotion, and thought to heal myself. I WAS RESPONSIBLE for my emotions. And the “Geek” side of me combed through everything I knew from thirty years of yoga, martial arts, meditation, and study of philosophy to find the things that would connect me with…ME.
So that I would be able to live every day with joy, whether or not I was alone.
So that I would have something to give, not just be looking to get.
So that I would be the kind of healthy male human animal who could attract and hold a healthy female human animal.
It set me free, that realization. It put my attention where it belonged: on healing, and being, and loving, and finding joy in life WHERE I WAS.
And the instant I did that, the very MOMENT I made that commitment, life began to change. It was as if I was vibrating on a different frequency, and attracting a different sort of lady. I was fascinated, but knew I wasn’t “there” yet. More work, more refinement followed. And attracted more attention.
Not yet. I wasn’t whole and healed yet. And then came the day that I realized I was complete within myself, and from that place saw the universal yearning for love and connection.
It stopped looking like a game at all. It was the most sincere and spiritual quest in life, and the idea of treating the search for love with anything but the utmost respect and care was anathema to me. I saw the women around me as my sisters, my mothers, my daughters.
That unless I could give my heart wholly, I had no interest in asking them to extend that intimate trust to me. I could appreciate them without needing, or desiring, or craving. I loved them for what they were, where they were, and committed to walking my life alone, if necessary, if that was what it took to find the woman I could really be with.
And…the very next morning, I met my Soulmate.
So simple. So powerful. When the Lover was ready, the Beloved appeared.