‘Look for me tomorrow, and you shall find me a grave man“–Tybalt. Wm Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet
Imagine the horror Romeo feels at the moment his best friend Mercutio dies. In rage, he slays Tybalt (Juliet’s cousin), and is banished from Verona. In a moment, the play spins from being a light romantic comedy into a tragedy. There is no coming back from this event. A game for children has become a deadly serious adult matter.
Love into hate. Faith into despair. Rather than two families united, they are torn further apart. The ultimate ending begins HERE.
It is important to grasp that “evil” can be an overstatement here. The forces that oppose us can be fear, confusion, ego, desire, values conflicts, mistaken beliefs. With that understanding lets go forward:
I loved a woman once, and had dreamed of a life with her. I was in heaven–it seemed the very best life I could imagine. All my hopes and dreams, come to life.
Then one day I got a phone call telling me she had made a decision that seriously endangered both her, and our chances of a relationship. There was nothing I could do. In that moment, I saw that our values were either totally different…or she had made a dreadful error. There was literally no way to come back from what had happened, and although both of us knew it, we pretended to think otherwise for a while. The horrible telephone conversations, strained visits, and mutual accusations ripped my guts out. I wanted to act, but there was nothing to be done: she wouldn’t accept my help. Every day that passed felt like another death: of dreams, of hopes…and of my own judgement.
Why hadn’t I seen it coming…? And that, ultimately became a salvation. If I was in horrible pain, if I could just keep my eyes on the ball: I will love again. I WILL find my way through this. And…if I can learn the lesson here, I never have to make this mistake again. What is the lesson? What is the lesson?
I remembered something NLP expert Tad James had said: If you learn the lesson, you can release the pain. The pain is only there to get your attention.
The lesson was that she hadn’t made a mistake. She was just being who she was. What had happened was a natural outgrowth of other decisions. She was on HER journey, not just a puppet on mine. My martial arts and shamanic studies teacher Swiftdeer had once said: “Do not trust people. Instead, rely upon them to do what they see as their own self-interest. It is up to you to determine what that is.”
It was MY problem. Not hers. She was just being who she was. I HAD CHOSEN HER. If I had attracted her, more importantly been attracted TO her, she was a mirror for my own heart and soul. If I could look deeply enough into that mirror, learn that lesson, I could both support her in whatever way it was healthy for her to let me do that, and also go my own way.
If I loved her, let her go. Don’t try to control. IF there had been something I could do, then obsession might have had some point. But if there wasn’t…well, loving her was fine, but didn’t I love myself as well? Didn’t I love that child in my heart enough to nurture him when he was screaming in pain?
Even though I was in agony, I could see that if I could learn the lesson…if I could nurture my own heart…if I could find my way out of this dark, frozen cave I had fallen into…
That on the other side of this I would be a stronger, better, healthier person. Capable of making better decisions. If SHE learned too…well, perhaps we would be able to meet on the other side. BUT LET HER GO. If I didn’t, and she was in a death spiral…I was going down with her. And if she was on her own journey, and had rejected my help, was I not infantalizing her to say she needed to take it? And if she was that infant, what was I saying about myself, if she was the best I could do at that moment?
No. There was no way out but to find a way to die and be reborn. God, I didn’t want to do that. But if I didn’t…I was finished.
And tomorrow, we’ll talk about the road back.
Love yourself…and share the love!