YES! As I hoped, my essay on “escaping the friend zone” attracted an Incel-type guy, so that I could have a chance to analyze the thought patterns. I will censor the language a bit, but the perspective is obvious, and the emotions powerful.
The fact he wrote this entire piece let’s me know he will stay in the friend zone. That “nice guy” sh*t is for the birds. What he did was made himself too available for her a$$. If there is one thing I have learned from the experience I had with my ex, it’s being too nice get’s you dumped. F*** all that. Next time he meets a woman like that, instead of wasting his time (cuz she wasn’t wasting hers) he needs to just be up front about what he wants.
Shall we analyze?
- Can you see the raw pain here? The anger? Anger is fear. What is the fear? Lack of access to sex/reproduction, sure…but more than that, if you remember “Core Transformation” it is fear of the sense of peace and connection a man feels in the arms of a loving partner.
- “The fact he wrote this entire piece let’s me know he will stay in the friend zone.” In other words, he didn’t read it, he deleted everything that contradicted his preassumption: “being nice is fatal in relationships.” The fact that I’m married to my soulmate for almost twenty years, and have had a blisteringly happy and bountiful sex life TOTALLY escapes him. It doesn’t fit his model, so he literally cannot hear what I said. That’s what people do: delete information counter to core beliefs. IF he believed what I was saying, HE would have to change and evolve. Take responsibility for his emotions. That threatens the ego massively.
- “That “nice guy” sh*t is for the birds. What he did was made himself too available for her a$$.” A bare thread of reality here: every healthy human being, every animal, will expend the minimum amount of effort to achieve the maximum result. I remember a guy I knew. Nice guy complaining about how he kept getting “friend zoned.” He went into his litany. “I’m nice. I listen. I’m kind. I care. I don’t get anywhere.” This guy was quasi-homeless, obese, with personal hygiene problems. The women he was attracted to were above his level. Simple as that. And more–he was powerless. He was VERY smart, and funny, but had never focused himself to have a job any kid couldn’t have had his first year out of high school. NO POWER. So…frankly, I asked him a question: “you’re nice, kind, caring. What have you described that she can’t get from one of her girlfriends?” Man, the look on his face was almost comical. For at least a moment, he GOT IT. He had approached life with an “I’ll do the least I can do to get by” without ever investing his time and energy in becoming someone capable of supporting a family. I don’t know what stopped him, honestly. I can only figure that a bomb went off in his family, that something in his childhood shattered his belief that he could really be an adult in the world. But he had an adult’s cravings for sex and connection. Tragic. “Nice” is critical to make a heartspace connection. But sex is right next to survival, chakra-wise. And if you don’ t grasp that it is an ADULT GAME, with ADULT RULES…you will be a whiny little brat, never understanding why the Big Kids are having all the fun.
- “If there is one thing I have learned from the experience I had with my ex, it’s being too nice get’s you dumped.”
So there you have it. A broken heart. “Too nice”? Of COURSE you can be “too nice” if by nice you mean weak. “Nice” has to be balanced with strength. A spine. A sense of core self. Will women try to get all the commitment they can without exposing themselves to the risk of a reproductive relationship (and birth control has nothing to do with it: our hind-brains have no understanding of that). You bet. Just like men will try to get all the sex they can without commitment. Peas in a pod. If you don’t model the behaviors and attitudes of people who actually succeed in relationships (say…happily married for 20 years) you will get your attitudes from movies and books, from other kids. Frankly, guys who act the way women say they want guys to act get “friend zoned” with the same frequency that women who act the way men say they want women to act get turned into “fuck buddies.” Oh, it’s a mess. Grow up, people. Want to bet this guy doesn’t know any healthy relationships? What are the chances he has high skills in ANYTHING? Think he loves himself, both his male and female aspects? Hah.
- “Next time he meets a woman like that, instead of wasting his time (cuz she wasn’t wasting hers) he needs to just be up front about what he wants.” I did. But…what did I want? Sex, sure. But sex was easy for me, once I developed power, found a tribe of people who appreciated the kind of power I had, loved myself enough to be attracted to female versions of myself, and just put my “available” light on. Jeeze, it was like rolling off a log. Never really “tried.” Know what I did? I just got to know people. Everyone. Male and female. Be genuinely interested in their lives and goals. I never had pick-up lines. Never “Picked up” a woman in a bar in my life, and rarely at parties. Drop me into a new social context and NOTHING happened for about six weeks. Then…BOOM! My social calendar filled up, and it was raining ladies. And I really, genuinely loved them. All of them. Cared about them. Would take their calls at 3 in the morning. What did I want? Connection, in any way that was good to them.
To this day, I’m not jealous of Tananarive. It isn’t just that I trust her…I do, and all the way. It is that if she really, truly believed someone else was better for her, I’D WANT HER TO BE HAPPY. We only get to live once. I want the woman in my life to want ME, to feel that I am the best for her. As I want to feel that the woman in my life is the absolute best I can do. I CAN’T DO BETTER THAN TANANARIVE, can you understand that? She is everything I need and want in a woman.
And…she is my buddy. We watch Marvel movies together, write together, watch Robot Chicken before we go to bed, do yoga and kettlebells together, and have all the good, raunchy fun you could ever want. She’s what I was looking for. I’m what she was looking for. Bob’s your uncle.
The poor guy who wrote this has missed the boat. He wants what everyone wants: to mature, to satisfy his sexual needs with integrity, to learn to navigate his world with power, to love, to reproduce and raise a family, to speak his truth, to develop an accurate map of reality, to contribute to his community and be applauded, to grow old with dignity and die at peace.
I agree with Milton Erickson: THAT’S WHAT EVERYONE WANTS, with trivial exceptions. Can you see how far he’s gone wrong? How far off the path he is? That anger you see boiling in his words is naked fear.
What would I do with him? I would use Core Transformation. Drop him in a trance and take him through the different stages: if he had all the sex that he wanted he would feel connected, and able to open his heart. If he did that, he would realize his loneliness and fear is a matter of disconnection to his OWN inner feminine. If he connected there, he would feel peace and joy. If he did that, he would feel that the pleasure and love he has sought was always within him. Make that connection. Let him stay there, the “Inner Child” basking in that divine light and warmth.
And then…let him rebuild. Commit to being an adult man who can protect and nurture that child. A man who doesn’t NEED anything from anyone outside himself. And because of that lack of desperation, he would be self-contained and attractive. And then, as he gained power, he would be more and more attractive to the kind of women who have THEIR own power. Their frequencies would match. And however far he got along that road, he would treasure the woman who genuinely offered her sexuality and heart to him. And it is my experience that people who find lasting relationships really don’t have to date that many people before finding them. The average is less than twenty.
But you have to love yourself. REALLY. No faking. No games. And you have to be genuinely interested in other people. Not for what you can “get” from them, but perhaps…just perhaps for what you can build together.
You can’t fake this. But it is hard-wired into us, all you have to do is remove the garbage you THINK you know, and you’re there.
The Incel guys are filled with pain, and fear. They are like rats who can’t figure out where the cheese is in their maze, or even worse, are running a maze where the cheese is long gone. Make no mistake: women have matching dysfunctions. I really do suspect that the “friend zone” and the “fuck buddy” are the yin and yang of this shit.
For now…wow. There is so much pain out there about very simple things.
- Money? Save more than you spend.
- Weight? Burn more calories than you take in.
- Love? Love yourself first.
Simple. Sort of like lifting a ton. It is SIMPLE. I didn’t say it was easy.