Jordan Peele’s “Get Out” is at 100% on RT. All the time T and I were shopping “My Soul To Keep” or “The Good House” we were told again and again there was no really successful black horror. “Can we change the race of the leads?” was the most common question. “Can we remove the social subtext?” was woven into every conversation, every development process.
I gritted my teeth.
When I was 30, I knew that the world wasn’t quite ready for me. That I might have to wait another thirty years or more before America moved far enough beyond past social realities (the legacy of slavery and segregation) and demographics such that I could speak my truth to a large enough audience to make a case to Hollywood that a major film would succeed–and trust me, the only language Corporations speak is money.
Well, if “Get Out” succeeds, it is another amazing step. Like “Black Panther” and “Django Unchained” it literally fills in image systems that have been gaps in the cinematic/cultural lexicon, pointing out a path of success.
The conversation will change: “oh! It’s like `Get Out’, only with X.” Yeah, that’s it. I knew that if I could keep my heart alive, treated this as a marathon rather than a sprint, I could outlast the fear and the monsters sufficiently to find a Tribe willing to hear my songs. The only question was: would I be too tired, too beaten down to see the opportunities? Scar tissue is inflexible. Emotional scar tissue is perceptual tunnel vision.
Would I be able to see the opportunities, be so wounded by failures, defeats, betrayals and accidental slights that I wouldn’t be able to see allies, mentors, and potentials all around me? Bitterness is a poison to the soul.
So I decided to love life. To be strong enough to be soft. Embraced yoga, martial arts, meditation, and the company of people of all races and political persuasions, if they were wiling to see my humanity. Took my three years in Georgia as a chance to see that yes, the South is both wounded and anchored to its history, and eager to move beyond it, almost desperate to be forgiven and accepted as human…and to see that that “Southern Hospitality” really is a beautiful and genuine thing.
To forgive my country for not living up to its promises. To love human beings for being imperfect, and therefore be able to forgive myself for being afraid. To give myself permission to fail. To find the faith to get up again, and again, and yet again…
Knowing that this day would come. People think it absurd to be so excited about watching a black guy in a cat suit sprint through traffic. They have never stood in my shoes, never understood what it was to watch “When Worlds Collide” and see only white people saved from extinction, and know the filmmakers didn’t give a damn what it felt like to be a black kid watching that. To be able to predict that Paul Winfield would be eaten by cockroaches in “Damnation Alley” because the audience wouldn’t want to see him compete for the last woman in the world.
Countless times I’ve been told to shut up, stop talking about these things. People have tried to gaslight me. Tell me to be ashamed of being a Social Justice Warrior or even have the temerity to try to define the term to denigrate it.
I will define myself. I know who I am, better than you possibly could. And if you try to define me, I know I know myself better than you know YOURSELF. Had you any real self-knowledge, you’d lack the stupendous ego to think you can define others. Or the fear to need to.
I am not my scars. Not my disappointments, not my pain, not my fear, not my anger. As a forest is the space between the trees, I am the space in which these emotions and events have occurred. So long as I keep my ego small, I don’t crash into the obstacles, can navigate in the clear space.
I am love, not fear. Love for my own soul, my dreams, my family and friends, my community, my country, my world. THIS is why a gentle boy spent forty years learning how to kill people. To be able to offer peace to anyone who would extend a hand to me.
“Get Out” is “The Stepford Negroes”, a meditation on the fear of assimilation, fear that hatred lurks behind the smiles. Built on real concerns, it would seem (I’ve yet to see it) to do what great horror, fantasy and science fiction does: externalize our dreams and nightmares so that we can wrap our minds around them. To water the poison until it makes you dizzy rather than sick.
Jordan Peele survived, and has questions about how and why and what next. I am so proud of him. And of myself.
I survived too, dammit. I’m still here. And seeing a world that some part of me doubted I’d ever see. I managed to tamp those voices down, but they were always there. Oh yes, they were.
In many ways, the best and strongest man I’ve ever known is Steve Muhammad, my beloved karate instructor. Not only a man of devastating physical skills, an innovative genius, fierce competitor, inspiring teacher and devoted family man, but a creature of deep spirit and vast compassion. With more street experience than any four other people I know, he is also gentle and humble, a combination that still boggles my mind.
From the first moment I saw him at a Martial Arts Expo in about 1974, performing a mass attack skit where four students came at him and he responded with an explosion of speed, power and precision that blew my mind, I knew I wanted to sit at his feet and learn. What I didn’t realize was that THE DEMO WAS UNREHEARSED. Years later I got to participate in one, and he simply said: “come at me” to all of us. And he took us out with absolute control, his punches, kicks, palm strikes and elbows coming within a breath of our skin, kissing our uniforms in machine-gun rhythm…without hurting us.
I’d wondered for decades: HOW COULD HE BE SO STRONG? And one day, about seven years ago, I found out.
As a child, Steve had been raised in Mississippi by his grandparents, who had been slaves. Suddenly, it hit me. Dear God. THAT experience had burned away all that was false. All the lies. All the “First World Problems.” There are two reactions to such stress, really. It breaks you, husks you, cripples you for generations…or the heat and pressure transforms you into a diamond. The majority are broken. But some few…
Suddenly, I grasped that under stress, the few who manage to stand up, to shine, to maintain their humanity, have a knowledge of self, a clarity of their values, that can be shaken by no lesser power. The 99% will be crushed, diminished, driven to lower their eyes and dull their dreams, crippled by fear and hatred…
But those who maintain their humanity are amazing, with near-divine gifts to offer those who will listen: how did I survive? What is true? Who am I? How can you protect your soul in the midst of chaos?
Oppressed populations reliably under-perform. But they also produce some of the finest music, art, athletics, and spirituality on the planet. THEY DO WHAT THEY CAN. THEY THRIVE WHERE THEY CAN. They love each other desperately, nurture their children and grandchildren, believing in “milk and honey on the other side,” encoding their wrath in fables, channeling their suicidal/homicidal urges into their dance and prayer, finding small joys to warm their hearts as they somehow survive from generation to generation…slaves becoming sharecroppers, who become servants, who become merchants and teachers…who become doctors and lawyers…who become scientists, politicians…and storytellers.
They take the fantasies and mythologies, blend them with a burgeoning understanding of the universe around them, and the technology that explores it, and add their own rhythms, creating what the outer world called Science Fiction and Fantasy…and they themselves began to call AFROFUTURISM.
And just as Science Fiction has always both expressed human dreams and driven our inquiry, the version of this phenomenon that grew from the depths of black pain, keeping alive the spark until the laws and cultures changed and allowed us to speak our truth more openly, contains lessons that could not be spoken openly until after the fall of Jim Crow, the end of Segregation, the passing of the Voting Rights act, the birth of a generation unafraid of lynchings and oppression.
When I was ten years old, my mother, who had grown up in the segregated south, whose childhood had been darkened by the shadows of dangling black men, told me: “Steven, if you show white people how smart you are, they will kill you.”
The terror of that statement haunted me. Drove me into the martial arts, where I found a man strong enough to lend that strength to me, so that I could have the courage to create my own dreams, and lend them to a younger generation so that they could stand on my shoulders, see further and imagine a world where children could play together and work together and build together, judging one another not by the color of their skin, or even the content of their character, but on their capacity to create a bridge to a future brighter than any of them had ever known.
The wisdom passed to me is beyond my understanding, but a part of my bones. How to deal with fear, and pain. How to stop hatred and resentment from poisoning you. HOW TO LIVE WITH LOVE, AND HOPE, NO MATTER WHAT CHAOS AND DANGER SURROUNDS YOU.
Lessons for our time. Available to all with eyes to see and ears to hear.
The AFROFUTURISM: DREAMS TO BANISH NIGHTMARES class is a distillation of everything my dear, brave, brilliant wife and I have learned about art, creativity, extrapolation, fantasy, and personal evolution. It will twine art and science together into a braid that cannot be broken. You may have a story to write. A screenplay to finish. Want to understand what drove an Octavia Butler or Chip Delany or God help me…a Steven Barnes or Tananarive Due. We will watch movies, study art and poetry, spend ten weeks walking in the footsteps of masters and ask YOU to find the dreams that sustain you, ask you to refine them, teach you to express them, share them with the world at a time we need them most.
I’ve been working toward this for twenty years, and its here. Join us. Be a part of a movement to be an awake, aware, adult human being by grounding your feet in reality while simultaneously reaching for the stars.
The future is ours, yours, our childrens…if you can keep your dreams alive, understand that we all aspire to the same things…and never stop fighting to create magic in your life
We have a special discount price for just the remainder of Black History Month. If you are in total financial emergency, reach out to us and tell us what you can afford and we’ll do all we can to help you. If you can afford to donate a scholarship for a needy student, please do so.
You can make a difference. WE can make a difference. Every one of you, black and white and yellow and brown…if you are a brother or sister in this struggle…YOU are the hope and the dream of the slave.
One of the most frequent questions I get is, “Where is spirituality in your equation? Fitness, relationship, career… doesn’t seem to be much room for God there, now is there?”
I’d laugh, if this weren’t such a serious issue. And if I have to explain this a thousand times, it could never be too often. Look again at the chakras. Spirit is the tip of the tree, the top of the chakra ladder. As such, it is dangerous to attempt to approach it directly. “You can awaken the kundalini from the base up, or from the heart out, but never from the top down.” I have known many, many people who considered themselves spiritual, but were completely blown out in the more basic arenas, and spent their lives wandering from church to church, guru to guru, seeking inner peace. They craved relationships or material success, and hadn’t the slightest idea how to find it. They wanted healthy bodies, but would rapidly lose the first five or ten pounds… and then be stymied. And not understand why. After all, they are spiritual. God (in all His/Her worldwide aspects) promises health and happiness to those on the true path. The ability to manifest miracles. Why, then, are these simple arenas of fulfillment denied?
All right, I’m going to come out of the closet on this one, and speak plainly. Because these people are deluded. They think they have spiritual connection, and what they have is a desperate grip on a mirage. Yes, I’ve known people I considered deeply spiritual who were “overweight”, or “broke” or “celibate.” But that is not the same as a person who fails at diet and exercise, struggles with their finances through failed business after business, or is stuck in a loveless, sexless marriage. Sorry. You can’t take your failures and hold them up as badges of honor. The ascetic “small boat” is not for most of us, and I’d say that better than 99% of the people who claim to have a direct connection to God while their families splinter into dysfunction are simply conning themselves. It is so sad.
The reverse, on the other hand, is much more direct. It is my belief that in 99% of the cases, a person who is healthy in body, who provides goods and services valued by his community, and has the self-love and self-respect to demand what he is worth, and has a healthy, sexy relationship with his spouse and a loving intimacy with his children… that person lives in the light of God. It is very difficult to imagine otherwise, although I’m sure there are cases out there. It is the “big boat”, the path to spiritual development that is available to all who are willing to take responsibility for their past results, and commit to a balanced, healthy future.
Connie Rae Andreas of NLP Comprehensive in Colorado has a process she calls “Core Transformation.” It is unbelievably beautiful, and a major breakthrough in my conceptualization of these things. What I believe she proved is that all human behaviors, no matter how brutal and destructive, are attempts to access the divine. That’s right–including rape, murder, arson, and robbery. We are trying to satisfy those basic Maslovian needs for power and security in such a way that we can feel secure and rise to the next level. And if those needs are fulfilled, the natural and indeed inevitable result is that evolutionary surge. It is natural, as natural as all water eventually making its way to the sea.
God is like the wind. Invisible. You can’t see the wind, but you CAN see the effects of the wind–the grass blowing. Our eyes and minds cannot directly address the divine. But by choosing our “grass” carefully, we can see which way the wind blows. I’ve chosen body, career, relationship. Some of those on this board have made other choices, and I honor and love them. I can’t pretend to read minds, to know if those choices are genuinely satisfying, or if they are deluding themselves (as, indeed, I may be deluding myself. There are no absolute answers this side of the grave. That’s why they call it Faith). However, I’ve never seen a single person hurt themselves if they DO take responsibility for these three arenas as I’ve described them. And, as long as they understand progress is slow and gradual, and will involve many Dark Nights of the Soul along the way, they grow and change and blossom. That is what I wish for all of you.
So where is spirituality? It is in the center of the triangle described by body, career, and relationship. It is the place behind your eyes, the thing you cannot see. It is the human soul itself, hidden in the last place you would ever look.
“Hi Steve, I just watched your video on getting that first sale. It was a good video, except your advice on writing 100 stories and sending them out and you will get your first sale – well, I’m not sure it would apply in my case, because I write novels, not short stories. It will take me a lifetime to write 100 novels, to be honest. I have written 4 novels, self published three of them.”
I have heard countless variations on this theme, and my answer is always the same: if you haven’t published AND BEEN PAID FOR ten short stories, you are missing a critical developmental step, one that can cripple your career. It is like saying: “I want to be able run a marathon. I’ve never run. How can I run 23 miles?”
Ummm…by first running around the track. Tomorrow, run twice. Add one lap every day that you can, and get back to me when you are at five miles.
It is one of the most basic errors new writers make. Self-publication has made it possible to skip this step, and some people do this with success. They need a different coach. I’ve seen too many fail this way, and in too many cases they took this path because of fear of rejection, or wanting to take a short cut.
My path is slow, and steady, and works. So far as I know, every time. If you want to write novels, great! Novels are where you get paid. Short stories are where you learn your craft. EVERYTHING you need to know how to write a novel is in the seed form of short stories, including all the tactical and strategic elements of marketing. If necessary, write stories set in the universe of your novel, with characters from the novel. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN IDEA WITH AN INTRINSIC LENGTH. ONLY THE TREATMENT OR EXPRESSION OF AN IDEA HAS AN INTRINSIC LENGTH.
I have never heard a single solid reason not to start with stories, but know a dozen solid reasons not to. And I’ve heard hundreds of excuses. I will never accept even one of them.
What if you write screenplays? WRITE SHORT FILMS. The advantage? You can actually MAKE a short film by writing a one-act play set in a single indoor location, and getting actors from the local community college to perform for you. Film it on a damned Iphone, or a video camera rented for a single day for $35 bucks.
You will learn HUGELY more by writing 100k of short stories than you ever would by writing a 100k novel. Seriously–I’ve watched this for over forty years. I suspect I’ll continue to have this opinion until the day I die.
Write with passion!
(fear really is a career killer. If you want a copy of the lecture T and I recorded on fear and writing, drop me a line at stevebarnescoach.gmail.com with “No Fear” in the subject line!)
A reader made a very reasonable statement dealing with negative emotions: that even after you find the answers, you have to keep fighting every day.
I’d say yes…and no. That the SPECIFIC issues you deal with can, once you’ve found the right approach, be subsumed under a larger category of “emotions” that you are guiding into a healthy balance. The specifics don’t need to come up again and again and again.
The trick is that you need a Daily Ritual. It could be meditation, prayer, affirmation, action of some kind, visualizations…there are many approaches. You know that mine is a combination of MOVEMENT, EMOTION, AND FOCUS, designed to check in on ALL your emotions and be sure that they are lining up to support your short and long term outcomes: body, mind, and spirit all moving in the same direction.
So long as you are getting the result you want: living your life on your terms, in your way, in such a manner to be happy, healthy and evolving toward your destiny, contributing to the world in a way that heals and expands your heart.
I DON’T CARE WHAT IT IS. I just want you to have the life you want. But you need to grasp: the work is never complete. In John Steinbeck’s wonderful memoir “Once There Was A War” he described the expression on the face of a naval cook, as if he is just realizing that there is “no way to feed a man once and for all.”
And that’s how you need to be. Every day. EVERY SINGLE DAY, you need to do the things that will protect, heal, and advance your body, mind, and spirit. That ritual, whatever it is, is designed to keep you on the road of integration and progress. The only measure of success is non-dogmatic: DOES IT WORK? Are you able to take another step on the road, with joy and satisfaction? Is fear in its proper place in your life: motivating you to action? Or does it stand between you and your dreams? If so, dig deeper. Talk to people who have succeeded in turning their demons into allies. THEY EXIST. “Put your fear behind you, your love in front of you, and run like hell” is a perfect expression of this.
It’s your life. Own it. Every day that you eat you should exercise, play, and perform a ritual of emotion, action and focus that aligns your emotions so that you are a spiritual being with a logical mind driven by emotions on an animal chassis. Nothing, no reward, is worth selling out your own dreams. There is no safety if you won’t stand up for yourself. Love yourself, protect yourself, like a Mommy Tiger protecting her cub. There is no one else to do it.
Be the hero in the adventure of your lifetime!
(if you would like a copy of the terrific conversation T and I had about fear and writing, drop me an email at: email@example.com. Put NO FEAR in the subject line, and I’ll tell you how you can get it TODAY!)
Recently, Tananarive and I asked the Lifewriting community what you really wanted from us, to help you reach your dreams. And overwhelmingly, you said “help dealing with fear.”
And I get it. Fear, which manifests as depression, aversion/avoidance, writer’s block, despair, discouragement, self-loathing, and any number of other secondary emotions or states, has killed more careers than lack of ability ever could.
The first step is to admit that the problem is real. To be able to say: “I am afraid, and it’s hurting me.” Then you can seek the tools, techniques, and perspectives to deal with it. You can start to cope, and seeks ways to let go of the guilt and confusion.
In my own life, I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to have my career. My mother burned my stories. Everyone I knew (with a couple of wonderful exceptions, thank God!) told me I couldn’t do it. I’d never met a professional writer in my life. And if I hadn’t admitted that I was afraid, hadn’t confessed and sought the way through it, I’d have given up my dreams, would never have published thirty novels or written for OUTER LIMITS or won an NAACP Image award. Never in a thousand years. Fear is the dream-killer.
So T and I had a very serious conversation on this topic, how it has affected us, and what is really going on, and how we’ve helped our students with this. And…we recorded that conversation. For the first time, we’re really diving into this tricky, painful issue. T and I have created something honest and powerful to help you deal with it.
We’ve been writing a combined total of OVER A CENTURY (gulp!) and every critical thing we know about that emotion is in this little course. If you’re interested, just send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org. Put “Fear” in the subject line, so I’ll know we’re on the same page.
‘Cause believe me: I’ve been where you are.
Write with Passion!
(a post from about 2007)
Let’s think some more about the heart, and how wounds to it manifest in other arenas. I’ve known heart chakra wounds to trigger suicide, and a loss of willingness to live. A dear friend was raped, and within a year contracted terminal cancer–It ate her alive within months. Fear, guilt, shame and anger cripple the sex drive, as well as resentments: I know several women who completely withhold their sexuality from their husbands, and several men no longer sexually active due to a lifetime of stuffed emotions. And anyone who has read this blog knows I think that people stuff negative emotions into their bodies. Rape, child abuse, fear, disappointment–all can manifest as obesity. I’ve had women tell me they were afraid that if they were sexually attractive, they’d cheat on their husbands. Men who say that they feel non-existent unless they are huge. Others who hide behind a wall of flesh. And of course heart wounds kill relationships: marriages, friendships, and the most critical relationship, the one with yourself. Heart wounds cripple the chakras above, as well: the ability to communicate is based on belief in self, and a sense that it is safe to be honestly expressive. My mother, who grew up in the lynch-happy South during the 30’s, warned me that “if you show white people how smart you are, they’ll kill you.” Can you imagine what this does to a young man’s head?
Probably the majority of fine writing is about wounds to the heart, and the ways we cope with them, try to heal them, how they poison our lives. Or about the glory of love. As much pain as love causes us all, the only thing that makes it worthwhile is the fact that, when it’s workin’, there is just nothing better. So next time (or real soon now) we’re going to address the question of relationships–how to find one, how to nurture one, how to keep one.
Fourth chakra wounds damage the health, cripple the sexuality, create obesity and anorexia, limit communication, and confuse the intellect. The expression “you can awaken the kundalini from the heart out or from the bottom up, but never from the top down” was making direct reference to the primacy of the heart. In Lifewriting, we use two major tools for connecting with the heartspace: heartbeat meditation and the dream diary. There are other meditations and therapies, but in many ways the very best medicine for the ailing heart is a healthy romantic/sexual relationship. For many people, the quest for love is a long, lonely road. I wanted to provide a few perspectives, and then in a day or two we’ll re-visit what I call the soulmate technique, an approach to finding and keeping the love you want.
I’d like you to consider a homily: “In life, you don’t get what you want. You get who you are.” If you find that you aren’t attracting people who you are attracted to, you may well have an unrealistic self image. Your lovers are mirrors for you, friend. You ARE your husband or wife or significant other, albeit flipped for gender and mirror-imaged. Searching to understand the ways that you and your partner are two halves of the same creature is one of the most fruitful things you can do–as well as one of the most educational. It can free you from anger and resentment. Folks, if you could have done better than your partner, you would have. If you misjudged them, whose fault is that? If you didn’t have the awareness, the self-confidence, the clarity, whose fault is that? Every human being does the best they can with the resources they have. You traded your intelligence, your sensuality, your beauty, and your power and energy and mental health for the greatest good you could find in the arena of relationship. When you stop blaming and start grasping that we are all both victims and beneficiaries of the human condition, you are on the road to healing.
Weight issues. This one is tricky. I think that the first 5-15 pounds of excess weight or so is no big deal. Just lifestyle and personal preference stuff. But by the time your secondary sexual characteristics become obscured, by the time joints are hurting, backs hurting, and it becomes a burden to walk up a flight of stairs, this is no longer lifestyle. It is no longer a little metabolic situation. It is emotional. I’ve simply had too many former obese people tell me that when emotional issues cleared up, they were able to drop the weight. Too much evidence that it relates to depression, anger, pain, fear, loss, and grief and resentment. I just don’t believe what I was told growing up: that overweight is simply a choice, or that it is a physical condition that can’t be helped. No. I don’t. Sorry. I’ve had too many friends die. DIE. From obesity-related illness. If I had spoken the truth to them, maybe they’d still be alive. But they surrounded themselves with people who would tell them pretty lies, and allow them to continue on down the road to self destruction. I will be damned if I will EVER do that again.
What we consider attractive usually relates to damned good reasons. Much (not all) of human behavior relates to survival of self and family. Most of what we consider beauty relates to health: clear complexion, strong bones and teeth, symmetrical faces, high energy. Or emotional health, like discipline, self-love and respect, clarity of purpose, emotional endurance, resistance to fear. When women say they are attracted to ambitious, intelligent, successful men–what the living hell is wrong with that? Aren’t they supposed to seek out the healthiest mates possible? And men are attracted to women who, by visual appearance, give them sexual stimulation: secondary sexual characteristics, self-confidence, sensuality… all of these things relate to mothering and fathering. Subtract these from the equation, and the entire human race collapses. So if you have moved beyond the need or desire to raise a family, fine! But better than 80% of the human race wants these things, so it’s legitimate to address them. In no way do I suggest that those in non-reproductive relationships are unhealthy, any more than if you’re in a marriage you are automatically somehow healthy. No. But if you’ve had a string of failed relationships, I suggest you want to look at that closely.
I don’t consider myself enlightened. I do consider myself on the path of enlightenment. This isn’t just about having a good life. It’s about having a good death, to be clean with myself about who and what I am in this world, and to do absolutely everything I can to leave it a better place than I found it.
I offer what seems to me, at this time, to be a pathway.
1) Be clear on who you are, and where you are going.
2) Be certain that you love yourself. Not just like–love. Be certain you have internal permission to be ecstatically happy.
3) Make a list of the qualities you desire in a partner. Find the person you know, or can find, who comes closest to that list, sit them down and ask them what they are looking for in a partner. Look at the gap between what they describe and where you are. To the degree that those changes are positive, incorporate them at the rate of about 1% per week.
4) As you head toward your dreams, make it clear to the people around you who and what you are, what your dreams are. Walk your talk. Begin to eat, sleep and breathe your intentions in the world. Make them positive, and loving, and powerful.
5) Don’t settle for less than you are worth. As you begin to express your beauty and power, people will be attracted to you. Be choosy. Be certain to spend your intimate time with those who actually match your values, needs, and desires, and empathize with your goals. Don’t waste your energy.
6) If necessary, celibacy might help you concentrate your energy.
7) Be honest, and kind. Treat prospective lovers and partners the way you would want someone to treat your brothers and sisters, your mom or dad, your own children. There is enough pain in the world. Don’t add to it.
8) Have faith. Believe. Love is real, and powerful, and transforming.
9) Be certain that you are heading in the direction of the values you want in a partner. Want a tight body? You’d better have one. Want someone successful? You’d better be manifesting. Want someone emotionally healthy? Lover, heal thyself. Remember the saying “you can’t have a relationship with someone crazier than you”? Well, you can’t have one with someone saner, either. If you want to go old-school, guys may well be able to trade a higher level of power for a greater amount of beauty in a lady. This has worked for thousands of years, and will likely work for a thousand more.
10) If your aspirations are higher than your accomplishment, be willing to partner with someone else who is “becoming”. After all, if you want someone to overlook your flaws, you had better the hell be ready to overlook someone else’s. Be brutally honest with yourself. If you wouldn’t want to jump into bed with you, live with you, love you, you’ve got your work laid out!
11) The meditation, goal-setting, exercise and self-reflection tools on this blog can help you. There are other tools scattered around the world. Find and use them. But start by loving yourself, and giving yourself permission to have a passionate, committed, long-lasting, healthy, supportive, bountiful, sexy relationship. It’s worth it!
One thing creators rarely consider is what the audience/customers want. Our attitude is often: “I’ll TELL you what you want.” That’s fine for the artist part of our personalities. But the BUSINESS part has to ask the opposite question: “what do YOU want?” and then provide it. When these circles overlap, you have both personal and professional success. If you find the right audience, what they want, and what YOU want to provide, fit each other very nicely. The sweet spot. I want to ask you guys right now: I’m ready to create a little mini-course on some aspect of writing. The “Machine” is the overall structure of a writing career, and ANY problem you have will be on one stage or another. If you follow it, you will simply succeed:
- Write at least one sentence every day
- Write 1-4 stories a month
- Finish what you write
- Submit them, continue to submit until you sell.
- Don’t re-write except to editorial request
- Read 10X what you write
- Continue for 100 stories.
The theory: ANY problem in your career is a failure to take one of these steps. And once you understand the strategy? Most of the reasons are EMOTIONAL.
Let’s apply “Lifewriting” and look at this “Machine” from the perspective of the Hero’s Journey.
- Have you accepted the REALITY of this map to success? What do you argue with, and why?
- Have you dealt with the FEAR related to any step to step? Which step triggers the greatest discomfort and why?
- Have you accepted the RESPONSIBILITY to navigate this map? Which steps have you rejected, and why?
- Do you have a DAILY/WEEKLY/MONTHLY program of work that will take you to your goal? If not, why not? If you break down, where does it happen?
- Do you MODEL work and strategy of better writers? Do you have a circle of MENTORS, ADVISORS, AND PEERS to support and evaluate your work?
- Are you prepared for the INEVITABLE FAILURES AND DISAPPOINTMENTS you will encounter along the way?
- When you hit the “Dark night of the soul” depression and confusion, what do you do to snap out of it? What WILL you do next time?
- What do you need to have greater faith, gratitude for, to move through the negative emotions? Yourself? Your teachers, mentors, and peers? A higher purpose in life?
- When you take action and WIN, how do you celebrate?
- How do you choose your next challenge, or the next step in your process, the “higher level”.
Note: ANY interruption in ANY step of “the Machine” should be considered WRITER’S BLOCK.
Not constantly improving
Not continuing the cycle until you succeed.
Anything that CREATES the interruption must be questioned, healed, rooted out…or it will destroy your dreams. So I ask you…right here in the comments: please TELL ME where in this process your breakdown is, what you want me to address in my next mini-course, and I’ll get right on it. I want YOU to succeed!
HERE is a link to a one-minute survey you can take if you prefer to tell me anonymously:
Write with Passion!
(modified, from 2008)
We can’t predict the future behavior of others, but I remember something one of my teachers said: “Do not trust people. Instead rely upon them. Rely upon them to do whatever it is they consider to be in their own self-interest.” The only way to do that is to be able to determine what that self-interest is. And in my mind, the only way you can possibly do that is to know yourself. To look fearlessly at your own flaws and fuck-ups and take responsibility for them, to get real about the way you’ve lied and sold yourself out… or stood up for yourself and been courageously honest in the face of pain and disappointment.
IN OTHER WORDS, YOU CAN ONLY TRUST OTHER PEOPLE TO THE DEGREE THAT YOU CAN TRUST YOURSELF, YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT.
If you take responsibility for all three aspects of your life, you have a good chance to see right through other people’s B.S., because you’ll know all the rationalizations. Over and over again, I’ve had people with weight problems straight-up lie about being “unable” to lose weight because of physical issues, when eventually it turned out the problems were really emotional. A student recently emailed me, confessing that when she loses weight her sex drive increases, and her husband’s lack of sexual interest frustrates her more deeply, risking their marriage. In other words, she slows herself down to remain hobbled to a man with low energy.
I’ve run into versions of that many, many times. But here’s the trick: I’d bet ANYTHING that there are parallels in the domain of money and relationships: people who blame external circumstances for lack of financial success, but actually cripple themselves out of resentment, fear, or programming. It isn’t the economy: in the worst economies, the top 20% are still doing fine. The real question is: why aren’t YOU in the top 20% of your field?
Or ladies who say that there are more women than men, and that’s why they’re not in a relationship. Really? All that does is explain why X percentage of your group is unmarried, NOT why YOU are one of them. Stats don’t have that much to do with the individual.
(You know the joke: “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun YOU.”)
But I suspect it is miles easier to blame genetics, or the economy, or gender statistics, or racial statistics or whatever than it is to examine your own motivations, beliefs, values, and actions. So easy. For one thing, when you stop behaving like a typical member of your group, you lose your protective coloration. You stand out and become a target.
You take the chance of being alone. The trouble is that we are all “alone” and the “protective coloration” is just an illusion. I am male, American, of mixed ethnicity, a writer, etc…. but all of these are just interesting labels. If I hide behind any of them, I inherit not just their strengths but limitations. It is simple: in terms of playing the game of life, either you take responsibility or you do not. Life doesn’t care. You can be happy, healthy, and successful, but the doorway to adult rewards comes from adult responsibilities. And the instant you blame society, your family, or your genetic circumstances for anything that can be modified by action, you are being a child. Adults realize that they are all that stands between the next generations and chaos, and that they are going to die… and vow that their death, and therefore their life, will have meaning. That that meaning will be found in their actions.
If you can’t admit the ways in which you sell yourself short, lie to yourself, are asleep, you cannot rise to your greatest level, and walk the world awake and alert. Complaining about injustices is one thing. Suggesting that those injustices control how you feel about life is quite another. Every day, you have to polish your perceptual lens, and take responsibility for living fully and honestly. Either you make that commitment, or you allow the external world to control your internal experience. And that is one of the great existential fallacies.
Who you are to yourself influences the way you are with others. The lies you tell yourself will blind you to the lies others tell to you. The more honest you are with yourself, the harder it is to be conned.