Healing Your Heart

How to Get Rid of Loneliness, Emotional Pain and Regret


My name is Steven Barnes, a NY Times bestselling author, master hypnotist and and martial artist, creator of the “Lifewriting” system of personal development.  And after working with thousands of clients for three decades, I have something wonderful to offer you.


If you suffer from depression, fear and emotional isolationif you feel unworthy of loveif you are frustrated with life, believe you will never find love, and can’t motivate yourself to strive for your dreams… then this message is just for you. Heres why


    No one ever taught you that the purpose of life is happiness. And that the door to happiness, success and healthy relationships is to LOVE YOURSELF FIRST.


    And you need to realize, there is a cost to not dealing with this


If You Ignore That Hole in your heart,  It Just Gets Worse


    What most people do when facing loneliness and anxiety is believe it is their natural state. They try to salve it with  external accomplishment, meaningless sex, compulsive eating, drugs or alcohol.  Does this sound like someone you know?  Maybe someone you see in the mirror every morning?   If so you know an ugly truth: None of that works.  

      • Every meaningless action simply sinks them deeper
      • Relationships fail because desperation is the un-sexiest thing in the world
      • If success doesn’t lead to pleasure, their motivation to even TRY dissolves, so that they spiral into failure after failure until their despair is clear for all to see.


    And what happens if you just do nothing? If you just keep doing  what youve been doing?

Let me tell you the moment I hit “threshold.”

I remember teaching at a kid’s summer camp about twenty years ago.  There, one of the other counselors, a young martial artist named Uli asked me: “when will I stop being afraid?”

To my regret, he took me by such surprise that I had no answer for him.  And within six months, Uli  had taken his own life.

How I learned to help people learn to love themselves.

When I heard what had happened, I swore never to be without an answer again.  NEVER.   Haunted, I searched exhaustively, until I finally found an answer that works.

Searching through martial arts, NLP, Eriksonian Hypnosis, Transcultural Shamanism and more, I  learned some terrific techniques for dealing with fear, and experimented with them on wealthy clients as a stress and movement counselor at the prestigious Moonview Clinic in Santa Monica.   It rapidly became clear that removing fear wasn’t enough: unless my clients loved themselves, removing fear could just leave them feeling “numb.”  Feeling nothing at all.

In fact, if they could learn to love themselves, instead of fear, what they got was ENERGY, the power to protect those you love from threat. They became DYNAMOS.

So…I went more deeply, and combining methods from a yogic, Western psychological and Shamanic traditions I created a process I called the ANCIENT CHILD, and taught it to clients paying FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS A DAY and up.  They were floored.

Experienced healings they called “magical” and “amazing.”  That’s well and good: rich people have a LOT of options.  I wanted to create something that ANYONE could use.

And did.  

It Worked For Me, and My Clients, and It Will Work For You

Heres what it did for me…I use this technique every morning to prepare myself for a day of writing, healing, working out, and being the best husband and father I can be.


But more importantly, this discovery has enabled me to help others, even when separated by thousands of miles:  Daniel Christopher Riewe, a student of mine in Europe said:


Thank you Steven Barnes. Strange. After living in a state of “sleep” including depression, anxiety and panic (and much more) for 44 YEARS (!!) a door opened. It happened after an incredible painful separation from  a woman I loved deeply. But despite the expectation of even more desperation HAPPINESS came.   I feel profoundly whole and integrated (more than “healed” as I never was sick/wounded but just not “whole”). I don’t understand the “logic” of this process, but maybe that IS the point: there is no logic. It’s about having the balls to confront suppressed negative emotions without any drama…. and giving yourself attention as long as they persist…   Let´s see where this leads to!”

That’s great, Daniel!

And La Veda Mason said:  “Thank you Steven Barnes. You more than changed my life. You SAVED my life.”


THAT’S what a healer wants to hear. That somehow, after thousands of hours of practice and research, desperately wishing to help those who trust me…that I found something that works.


Finally, Its Your Turn

When you get the  ANCIENT CHILD THIRTY DAY CHALLENGE, youll get the key to


      • Healing childhood trauma
      • Loving yourself enough to fight for your dreams
      • The key to living every day at the top of your game.


It all comes as part of this downloadable collection of visualizations and PDF lessons.    Imagine spending a few minutes a week listening to an MP3…then doing a few simple, pleasant things every morning to “anchor” your new emotions in…and being  on your way to a new life, one where love replaces fear in your life, and your feet are on the path to real happiness, emotional health, and success.    

“Winning” every day, for the rest of your life!

And you are 100% safe to try this out. Thats all Im suggesting. Just try it for 30 days to see if it works for you. If it does, youll be delighted – and I think thats exactly whats about to happen. If for some reason youre not delighted with the kind of joy, peace and self-love you deserve,  then just let me know – and you get all your money back.


Its Decision Time


You have a choice to make: Do what youve been doing (or worse, do nothing at all). You know where that can lead. Is that really where you want to go? Take a new action, and get a new result. Finally get a new life, the life you deserve, one of love, and possibility, and the abundant natural energy you deserve.  


Answer this one question: what would you do to protect and nurture your own most beloved child?  If you would do one ounce less for yourself, right now, YOU NEED THIS AMAZING COURSE!


Which do you really want for yourself? Heres what to do now… JUST GO TO:   WWW.THEANCIENTCHILD.COM


I’ve sold this originally for $99.00.  Then after I’d made a ton of money, dropped the price to $49.95.   Now you can have my Valentine’s Day Special for only $39.95!


Please, do yourself a favor.  You only have one life, one heart.  


Live it.  Heal it.


Yours in love…

Steven Barnes


Happy Valentine’s Day


One of the groups I belong to is Matt Furey’s email copywriting group.  The “Zen Master of the Internet” is a fun guy, who has created a life that fits him just fine, thank you, and has aligned his voice with his intents in a way that allows him to make boucoup bucks in a flow state.  He said something valuable yesterday:  “The true goal of the truly successful people I admire is to be locked in on a process. The process is the end result rather than the end result bring the end result.”


Get that? The PROCESS is the end result.


In other words, you want to live your life so that the natural flow of your days provides the values you seek.  Chop wood, carry water. Get up, brush your teeth, wash your face, love your family, support your friends, laugh, love, play…and at the end of the day, look back over those 16 hours, happy that you’ve helped make the world a better place, and fall into slumber.


And because you have given to others AND properly aligned your adult and child personalities, you find your wealth increased, your body stronger, your family connections more intimate and satisfying.


Just…naturally.  It starts with love.


Love for yourself. A willingness to strive to create your dreams, and to protect yourself from predators and the drowsy drivers one encounters on the road of life.


Love another person enough to extend that love beyond your own skin. To create a world together, perhaps children, anchoring you to the external community, beginning to see the same patterns of growth and life everywhere.


Understand humanity enough to understand that those same fears and yearnings exist in every heart, however their actions manifest.   We are all doing the best we can. If we could do better, escape more pain and/or gain more pleasure…we would.  That’s how we’re wired up.  And to do better, we need more resources and role models and better strategies and more faith.


Find a tribe of people who hear your song, and strive to uplift them. And if you have aligned your child and adult selves, this becomes your “business”.  It is just hunting and gathering for your tribe, and having the heart to care and the head to demand to be treated with respect, and the healthy body to be an energetic force for good.


And to always be in the flow of your life. Hard? Easy?  Joyous?  Stressful?  Be with it.  Flow with it. Be kind to yourself, and to others. There is never a need for casual cruelty, even if you must from time to time defend yourself.   Remembering both kindness and strength.   That those who sleep can be awakened. That snakes are not evil and rarely aggressive unless hungry or fearful. That in the light of day, or reason, or love, even monsters are  often revealed as wounded children seeking lost love.

If we can forgive and love ourselves….we can forgive and love others.


One day a year, let us be gentle with each other.  Love each other.  Remembering that that is how we began, and with any luck at all…it is how we will end as well. And that the road between birth and death is one we all travel, and that, again, love is all that makes it worth while.



The divinity within me salutes and acknowledges the divinity within each and every one of you.




A lesson from “Shelly”


I remember my first girlfriend in college was a smart, pretty lady we’ll call Shelly.  I met Shelly in the music department at Pepperdine when I was doing a nighttime radio chow. We started dating and finding out more about each other, as people do at that phase in their lives.


One day, I remember just hanging out with her, and she started talking about the life we could have together. Me teaching martial arts, her teaching music.


It was a lovely dream.  I could easily see myself enjoying the cycles of life, learning, growing, helping people and growing closer to this lovely lady who shared my life–




Wait a minute…I didn’t want to be a professional martial arts instructor.   I didn’t know WHAT I wanted to be, but at that point in my life I knew that wasn’t it.  She DID know what she wanted, and that was being a music instructor, and being married.


Even though we were walking different paths, and eventually drifted apart, I remember that conversation, and how easy it was to drift into a lovely trance…


–of fulfilling my own dreams. (Being a martial artist, having a family)


–of a partner on the road of life (someone supportive of my dreams, but with her own destiny)


Because she had painted a picture of how things could be, rather than ask a direct question, I got to FEEL what that life could be. And had I known what I wanted, I might well have said: “well…not a martial arts instructor…but how would you feel about a writer?” And we might have laughed and dreamed together, and who knows?


That’s what storytelling does.  It slips past the filters, touches our hearts.


T and I just did an interview for a social activism podcast, asking questions about Black Panther.  What should people do to get ready for it, we were asked.  While we discussed the history of the character, the reasons for the excitement and the place of Afrofuturism within the broader category of science fiction, my real advice was: just go and have fun.


Yep.  If Ryan Coogler did his job right, you don’t have to consciously THINK about the component parts of the story to get the value, any more than you have to know the names of the macro and micronutrients in a dinner salad to get the nutrition. They are right there.  Enjoy.  Have fun.  Nourish your soul, or just release stress and get swept away for two hours.


But then, if you wish, go out with your friends afterward, have coffee and talk about the movie you just experienced.   Share your FEELINGS about it.


That’s building community.  Want to do more?  Become a more discerning consumer of film, patronizing those that support your values.


More? Teach others about the connection between myth and consciousness.   Use your knowledge of that connection in your own life, and with your family.


More?  How about creating your own stories, learning how to KEEP rapport with your audience (so they don’t “pop out” like I did!), singing your song, expressing your view of humanity, or the universe.  I know that I felt that if I sang MY song loudly enough, I would find another bird in the forest who was traveling in the same direction.


Shelly needed someone on a particular life path.  So did I.  And she did the smart thing: declare “here I am” and if I’d been the one, if I’d wanted such a path, I could have done far, far worse than that young lady. She kept telling her story, until she found a man who shared her dream, and they’ve been married all this time.


You can change your own life. Change the life of another.  Build a career.Change the world.


Myth is magic.   If you would like to learn more about the Lifewriting notion applied to the myth and fantasy of the African Diaspora, check out the AFROFUTURISM: DREAMS TO BANISH NIGHTMARES class at



And if you’d like to “merely” understand how writing can change lives…and life change your writing, join us at



Write and live with passion!



The Single Best Practice I know: The Morning Ritual

When our family moved to Atlanta, I was in a situation I’d never prepared for or anticipated.  For various reasons, my reaction was something near emotional collapse, with none of the resources I counted on to not merely survive, but progress as a human being.


In terms of pain, it felt like the pain I experienced of my mother dying…every month.  On and on.  Existential despair, with the only thing holding me together was my commitment to Jason.   Seriously. That was it.


I was in an unresourceful state, which meant that I couldn’t see options and my inner voices were horrific.  That meant that I was set up for failure, leading to even more negative emotions, leading to unresourceful actions, in a descending spiral literally worse than anything I’ve ever experienced.  I felt totally out of control.


I had to break that pattern, or something bad was going to happen.    I did what I always do in such situations: I go outside myself, find someone who is either further along the path  or with a healthier perspective, someone who has helped others out of similar problems, suspend my own judgement, empty my cup, and DO WHAT THEY SAY for at least a week.  Aim at a month. A month is a good minimum time, and frankly, if I can promise myself I’ll do something for a month, I can do it longer.


But a month, thirty days, is a decent minimum.   Six weeks is better, and seems about the minimum period for PHYSIOLOGICAL changes, but a month, a full moon-cycle, is solid.


I found a coach working with a teacher I respected, and asked their advice.   They reminded me of the “Morning Ritual” concept, something that I knew (not under that name) from countless other practices.  The idea is that the first minutes of the day set the tone for the rest of the day.   Yoga, Tai Chi, meditation, journaling, reviewing goals, reading inspirational literature, hugs, sex play, all sorts of things have been suggested by serious teachers over the years to specifically “program” these early moments.


15-20 minutes

Positive emotions

Mental focus

Powerful physical motion

Inner connection


The idea is that you get jammed up with emotional/spiritual crap, and if you don’t process it, it will weigh you down and poison you.


The idea is that you don’t know who you really are.  If you would do less to protect yourself than you would to protect your child, your survival circuits are jammed up.


If you cannot access the same motivation to act that you would find if someone stuck your head in a toilet, your survival circuits are jammed up.


You can come from survival, or from love.  If you come from fear, or from your head…your basic circuitry is jammed up.


So I “stacked” ideas.  Starting from first awakening:


  1. Focus on my heartbeat.
  2. Sit up in bed, focus on the heartbeat, create a ball of “light” that forms into my “child” self and amplify the light and warmth.
  3. Get up and perform the Morning Ritual
  4. The Morning Ritual has multiple parts”
    1. Some PHYSICAL MOVEMENT.  Walking, dancing, running, rebounding, yoga, Five Tibetans, etc.  I use Tai Chi.
    2. WHILE MOVING I CHANT ALOUD the following things, aspects of the “M.A.G.I.C. Formula”:
      1. My belief that I can grow and change (“Every day in every way I’m getting better and better” is an example of such a chant)
      2. What I am grateful for in my past (and if you think there is nothing to be happy about, you are lying to yourself.  Look deeper), including accomplishments (did you learn to walk? Read?  Were you proud?  ACCESS THOSE MEMORIES)(“I’m so grateful for all the success I’ve had in my career…”)
      3. What I am grateful for in my present (the same.  If you would mourn the loss of your vision, what stops you from being grateful for it now?)  (“I’m so grateful for the people who love me and trust me…”)
      4. Now…take  that gratitude and EXTEND IT INTO THE FUTURE, feeling gratitude IN ADVANCE for your long-term goals.
      5. Focus that same feeling of gratitude for successful completion of what you need to do TODAY to make your long-term goals happen.
      6. Another affirmation of confidence that you have the capacity to make it happen (“All I need is within me now.”)


  1. All the chanting is ALOUD, WHILE MOVING.
  2. The body, voice, facial expression, breathing, EVERYTHING is as positive and focused.  For a few minutes you work to become a “human laser”–everything working in the same direction.
  3. IT WILL NOT COME NATURALLY.   Every internal demon will squeal and hiss at you.
  4. Your ego will do everything it can to stop you.
  5. THEORY: If you can do this for thirty days, you will connect with a deeper sense of meaning, joy, focus, and energy.    But the more damage you are dealing with, the less likely that you can actually do the thirty days.


  1. If you use a “thirty day mental diet” approach, then you journal every day, keep track of your success, and when you “forgot” or “ran out of time” or “got busy” or were “too tired” to do it.  Note the information, and start the 30 days over again.
  2. Most people will feel a real change in just seven days.  So a “Seven Day Mental Diet” is also a reasonable approach. But if you have a serious issue, go for 30.


If you were abused, neglected, criticized ESPECIALLY IN CHILDHOOD BY YOUR GUARDIANS then you have internalized their voices, and they will try to TEAR YOU APART if you begin to dismantle their toxic prison walls.    This is why you need to look at these as a minimum:

  1. Heartbeat meditation
  2. Morning Ritual
  3. Journaling


I began down this road.   Remembered that once upon a time I’d had a chance with the most attractive woman I’d ever seen, and blown it because I hadn’t prepared myself properly.  I was too open, not centered enough, not fit enough to match her energy.    Because I’d neglected my “rituals” of exercise and meditation.  But although I lost that relationship, as soon as I “got back on the horse” and took responsibility for these things, I jumped up an entirely new level of personal integration, saw right through the bullshit mating games, saw the “machine code” of dating/sexual attraction (it really was like Neo in The Matrix, I kid you not.  In that energetic space, it was like I only saw the women who were attracted to me, and it was devastatingly easy to attract them.  Effortless. ) and found my soul mate.


Given that faith, I proceeded. It had worked before, it would work again, if I focused and made the implicit explicit.  If I could only do ONE thing, it would be the Morning Ritual, because it includes:

  1. Physical health (joint mobility, breathing)
  2. Physical skill (Patterned Tai Chi movement)
  3. Emotional health (synching breath, motion and mental focus)
  4. Mental focus (clarifying my long term outcomes and short term actions that lead there)


For 15-20 minutes (sometimes less) I am doing everything humanly possible to align myself. The negative voices scream “this is bullshit!” “you can’t change!” “What kind of woo-woo nonsense is this!” “you can do it tomorrow”.  And so on.



I was in Steve Muhammad’s hotel room once. I’ve mentioned him: the greatest karate man I’ve ever known personally.   He as about 72 years old at the time, and still fought anyone who came in his school.  He was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at a bottle of water.    I was confused, and asked him if he was thirsty.


“Yes,” he said softly.


Ummm…would he like me to hand him the bottle?  (I was wondering: was his back hurting, perhaps?)


“No,” he answered.


“What are you doing?”  I asked.


“I’m practicing my will power.”   Holy crap.  He wanted the water.  He was thirsty.  But he wasn’t going to give in to the voices in his head.  By the way…this is one of the most powerful effects of Intermittent Fasting. You can CLEARLY hear the voices in your head telling you that you MUST eat.  But think about it: did your ancestors HAVE to eat three times a day?  If they didn’t, did they die?  If that had been true, NO ONE WOULD BE ALIVE TODAY.   We descended from hunter-gatherers.   They had to have the ability to go days without eating and still function, or they would die.


Discomfort?  Sure.   Death?   Hardly.


The demons in your mind are lying to you.   NO, you don’t have to drink that water.  Eat that food.  Have sex with that inappropriate partner.  Lie. Steal.  Hurt others.


But the voices will tell you you do.  And if you don’t learn that YOU ARE NOT THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD. YOU ARE THE ONE LISTENING TO THE VOICES, then you will forever be controlled by the people who hurt you in childhood.



The “Morning Ritual” hits that switch.  The voices will tell you  it doesn’t work, can’t work.  But if you are exercising AS you do it, then you are already taking steps toward your goal, right?   That PROVES that the demons are lying to you.   THEY LIE.  And once you understand that…once you realize they are not “you” it can cause a chain reaction, a positive life spiral.


Give yourself thirty days.  Move, chant, visualize.   Know WHAT you want and WHY you want it.   Focus faith and confidence and gratitude for just a few minutes a day, consciously. You will be shocked at how much more you will accomplish, and the pleasure you’ll have doing it.



So I did it every day in Atlanta.  And within two weeks I noticed I was just…happier.    That I had the perspective to see that this was just the flow of life, that I had it better than many, many people who were happier than me, and there was just no excuse for that.  Began to feel gratitude for being where I was, and from there had the resources to see there were actions I wasn’t taking. Began taking new actions, which led to new results, which gave me new emotions.


BUT I DID THE RITUAL EVERY DAMNED MORNING, whether I felt like it or not.  I wrote down all the negative voices coming up in my head, everything they said…


And realized those voices were from specific people: friends, teachers, even my mom.  But they weren’t me. And I didn’t have to obey them, or even take them seriously.


It changed my life.


It put me in touch with my joy.    And when you feel both joy and pain, you are in touch with your core survival drives, the things that never leave you in life.  And if you dig deep enough you can find them and connect them with your goals.


WHAT do you want?

WHY do you want it?

Only then does “HOW” matter in the slightest.  In fact, without a clear powerful “WHY” you simply won’t see the truth of your life, and be able to find the right options to optimalize your choices.


While I love the Ancient Child, and Heartbeat Meditation and the other tools, they can all be folded into “The Morning Ritual” and while it can be “unpacked” to find a dozen different technologies woven into its woof…for the average person, I’d suggest it first. Then, Heartbeat meditation. Then, the Ancient Child.  Then…Intermittent Fasting and Intense exercise to hype up your energy.    More power to take MASSIVE ACTION toward your goal.



But the Morning Ritual has saved me twice, even when I didn’t realize I was doing it. And…it can save you, too.






Healing dualistic wounds

The wounds I address most directly are black/white, child/adult and male/female. There are others: rich/poor, Conservative/Liberal, gay/straight,  body/mind and so forth.  All such conflicts are doorways to knowledge. Resolve a duality and you gain options and energy.  (By the way, do you catch the implication that the actual “Knot” I need to focus on is the needs of black women?    In other words, when I follow my interests to their logical conclusion, the place where the lines meet is the set called “black women. ” That’s the fulcrum.   Their allies and supporters radiate out from that point.  More on that later, but I thought that was something I should make explicit, as I’ve kinda run out of polite bullshit)




All you have to do is take responsibility for your own emotions and actions. Realize that anger is fear.  Extend your own humanity to your “enemy”.   Do this, and you release energy that can be used for personal or social evolution.  The path is clear, once you resolve the duality.




Let’s look at this process in the realm of gender relationships.


My student Daniel had a relationship with a very sexual woman. She spoke of her previous relationships, and it caused him great pain.  He was, in other words, attracted to what she could do for him in bed, but resented the relationships that both gave her that necessary experience, and expressed her free and creative sexuality.


Years of therapy had gotten nowhere.  And I’d gotten sucked into his “game” by talking about the past situation. After a year, I woke the #$%% up and realized I was “looking where the light was rather than where he dropped the keys.”


The problem wasn’t her.  It wasn’t his relationship with her. The problem was him. Boom. Period.  In a relationship, if you are there, you believe that’s the best you can do. And in that realm…what you believe tends to manifest as truth.


So he had to take responsibility.   Had to STOP TALKING ABOUT HER. But talking about her was pleasant, attractive.   Kept sneaking her back in.  So I started fining him for every mention.   $5, $10, $15.  Guess what?  He stopped mentioning her when the pain got bad enough.  Game over. Let’s get to work!


So now separate “need” and “want”.  He thought he needed sex.  Nope, he wanted it.    Step away.

He began to question his beliefs: she was, in essence, acting with a typical male psychology with a woman’s physiology.  In other words: WHOOPIE!


So…why didn’t he react with “Wowsah!  I’m the luckiest guy in town!”  He had some pre-existing belief pattern.  A wound on the level of Mommy and Daddy are the most likely.


  1. Mommy issues.  Sex drops your barriers. It is a return to the core moment of existence, when male and female energies come together to create new life.    If you aren’t balanced, you can be horribly hurt by the notion that she offered this essence to another man.   The more wounded you are in the “Mommy space” the less you’d want to hear about past relationships.  My guess: she KNEW this about him.  Was testing him by pushing that button. If he couldn’t get past it, it would be emotional suicide for her to really open her heart to him.  Sure as shit, he’d throw it in her face one day.
  2. Daddy Issues. His father had the same problem.   And it manifested in a Madonna/Whore split, where he wants passion, but doesn’t trust it.  Sick, but probably connected to the reproductive drive to be sure your progeny are really yours.  Research shows that when they can get away with it, women screw around almost as much as guys. Guys who don’t get jealous are more likely to be bred out of existence by those who are more controlling.    Madonna/Whore is genetic survival shit…but psychological poison. Death to relationships.   And Daniel had been infected.


So…focus on HIS end of it.  What did he need to do?


  1. Define WHAT his goal is.  (to heal, to be able to have a healthy emotional/sexual relationship)
  2. WHY does he want it? To be happy.
  3. HOW does he approach it?
    1. Break the old pattern (stop talking about her.  Step away from sexual relationships if possible, until healed)
    2. Focus on the internal mechanisms of happiness (heartbeat med)
    3. Heal the “inner child” by giving him the love he is seeking from others.  (“Ancient Child”)



Today the following comment from him:


Ok, Steven Barnes. I am super weak, but my higher self is incredibly strong… Yesterday (I do ancient-child-yoga nidra quite a lot!) I had the deep insight I need the FEMALE inner child now (for healing the sexual wound) and the FEMALE elder (to re-connect to Mother Gaia/Earth)… so I don´t have to look for mummy any more…



Some thoughts.

  1. He is not weak. His EGO is weak.  His truth is a rock.
  2. He is grasping the reality that we must be balanced between these aspects, or we will either become addicted to them or fear and loath them.  Need to control them.
  3. When he connects with his female “child” self, he will grasp both its strength and vulnerability.
  4. When he connects with his female “adult” self, he will grasp both its strength and vulnerability.
  5. Sex is an adult game.   If you cannot take responsibility for your own emotions and actions, for your explicit communications and physical/emotional security YOU SHOULD NOT ENGAGE IN IT.  You are playing with dynamite, and someone is going to get blown the @#$$ up.


Daniel is taking responsibility. He is connecting to his own heart, his own female energy.  Developing the skills and strengths that would enable him to be the “father” to a healthy little girl. The “husband” to a healthy woman.  And once you have that?   Holy Toledo.  NOW he is in a position to play hearts and bodies.  Not before.


At some point in this journey, he will meet a woman who is headed in the same direction, at the same position of growth, traveling the same road at the same speed. They will look at each other, and their energies and bodies will reflect similar values and potentials.


Their hind-brains will go “ding!” Their hearts will open, and their minds will grasp that they can walk the road of life together.




Now…an exercise for the reader: could you apply this same process to the other dualities? Black-white? Gay-Straight?    Conservative-Liberal?


Because if you can, you can be one of the ones who create a better future. You aren’t “bad” if you cannot. But you are asleep, and should not be driving, especially if there are sleeping children in the back seat.  You may be a perfectly wonderful person…but still enmeshed in the dream






Take a nap, would you?

If a person complains about some lack in their life, I don’t say “poor baby”.  I offer a suggestion.   If they wanted “poor baby” they need to SAY they just want emotional comfort.  If they don’t say that, and get upset if I offer a suggestion, they are being childish: they want me to read their mind (“I don’t want fixing, I want comfort”) without being able to read mine (“here is a problem.  Let me see what can be done.”)


Get the game?  The INSTANT someone holds you responsible for reading their mind, knowing what they want, without them being able to read yours (ummm…if they could read your mind, they’d know how you were going to respond, right?  In which case they set you up to fail, and then are trying to use that to trigger guilt.)


A childish, manipulative game.  Either ask for what you want, or accept the fact that human beings really aren’t good at this “mind reading” thing.     It is why we developed language, doncha think?


When you DO find someone who knows what you want without specific words, you have found something rare and precious.   A deep friend. A soul mate.


But if you ASSUME someone can read between the lines, read your mind, understand what an oblique comment means?  Without you being able to read theirs?    You are possibly dishonest and manipulative.  And that’s not the worst possibility: the worst possibility is that you BELIEVE that bullshit.  That you BELIEVE you can read their mind, know what they want.   If you try to navigate the world like that, you are going to be horribly disappointed.


I leave it as an exercise for the reader to see how this might manifest in business, gender relationships, race relationships, parenting, the “war of art and commerce.”


At very best you are “asleep”,  yearning for infancy, when a cry told Mommy you wanted cuddling and milk.  And if you are presenting yourself as an adult in the world?


You are part of the problem.  You shouldn’t be driving: the children are not safe with you behind the wheel.  Pull over and take a damned nap.





“Edge of Tomorrow” (2014) and the path of growth

I have a student who enjoyed his girlfriend’s abundant sexuality, but couldn’t deal with the “Madonna/Whore” voices in his head, and the fact that she talked about prior boyfriends.  I worked with him for a year on attitudes, processes and so forth.   He’d been in therapy for years, and gotten no where.


And after a year, he wasn’t much better.  This engaged me, because my commitment is to helping people heal, and I just wasn’t helping him.   What was wrong?


And then something occurred to me.


  1. we create our emotions through a combination of focus, movement, and language.
  2. Anger is fear.
  3. The most powerful way I know to deal with fear involves physical movement.
  4. He was doing everything I asked, but somehow it wasn’t working.


So…either my model of the human psyche is wrong…or I’m not seeing something.  If my commitment is to helping him, then I have to FIRST start with the assumption that the model is correct, but I’m screwing up.   If that fails, then I have to adjust the model.


Something hit me: he talked about her all the time, with real pain.   Wait a minute: that meant he was “grooving” the old pattern neurologically, literally deepening and strengthening it with every repetition.


He had a goal.  He had motivation.  He was taking action.  What I”d missed was I WASN’T INTERRUPTING THE OLD PATTERN.


He TALKED about her, which created temporary relief (“someone understands!”) but actually stopped him from engaging with the issue.  Ever take your car to the shop, and suddenly it stops “pinging” and no one can cause the issue, so they can’t diagnose and fix it?


The ego is like that.   It will play peek-a-boo with your issues.  So…I ordered him to stop talking about her.   The next time he mentioned her, he had to pay me five bucks.  He shut up for a couple of weeks, focusing on his own emotions. Then he mentioned her again. This time I charged him ten dollars. Oops!   Again he shut up. And…within a couple of weeks of NOT being able to blame his emotions on her, he was startled to find himself making progress.  It was just terrific.


He mentioned her again a week ago.  Fifteen bucks.   “Dragon Roll” time at the local sushi bar. Yippee!


Ahem.   Now, finally, he is digging where the gold really is.  He is “bottling up” his emotions so that his physical work is actually processing it.  Whatever metaphor you use, what matters is that he is taking control of his life and emotions. And starting to integrate his life at a higher and deeper level.


Wonderful.  I LOVE this.




How can you use this?


Identify WHAT you want to change

Identify WHY you want to change it.

Identify HOW you will proceed, short and long-term.


Now…INTERRUPT YOUR OLD PATTERN somehow.  This can be, should be, like scratching a CD or DVD. Scratch it enough and you can’t play it.


Practice the new pattern, “fail successfully” and learn something.  Start the cycle over again, with the new knowledge.  What Why How.  What Why How.


Over and over again, until you reach your goal.




You don’t have to be a genius to see this pattern in fiction.  The character wants a goal.  They hit a wall, and won’t move forward until you increase the motivations. They take actions which succeed or (usually) fail, and in the process learn something. They try again.


Remember the Tom Cruise movie “Edge of Tomorrow”?  Where he was fighting a war over and over again, dying horribly again and again but constantly learning?  Every time he failed, he learned at least ONE NEW THING, so that the next time he resurrected he could get a little further?


THAT’S IT!!!   The movie was too raw and obvious to be a classic, but it absolutely played with this principle.


The pattern was in my student (trying new things until he found a coach who could help him).  It was present in me (trying new things until I found the way to help).   And we are addicted to stories because they provide us with faith that efforts lead to knowledge leading to better efforts, in an ascending spiral that eventually leads to success.


Of course, your “coach” must be sympatico with you. And frankly, the more like you the “coach” (or role model) is, the easier it is to learn and apply the lessons.  So women seeking empowerment felt the “No Man’s Land” sequence in WW more than they had ever felt a similar sequence with a male hero.   And black women watching Florence Kasumba say “Move…or be moved” FELT that shit.    It resonated at a level they didn’t even know they needed to see.


And if you have had endless, infinite, daily role models you just won’t feel it.  Might even be in contempt if you lack empathy, if you are naïve enough to think you constructed yourself without outside help.


Right: you learned to walk, and talk, and read ALL BY YOURSELF.  Dream on.


This is why it is important to see ourselves as part of a continuing flow of humanity. That our art is an expression of our “is-ness” and emotions. See craft as the LANGUAGE by which we communicate our perception and experience. It all flows together, and always has.


There is a fascinating change going on in the 21st Century.  Images that are just…different.  More powerfully inclusive, especially along lines of race and gender. I see them as both symptoms and drivers of change.  And as I relish that future, they bring me joy.


For some…they trigger fear. And I suggest that you  heal yourself, and fill yourself with enough love and strength that you can turn around and help those who are willing to whisper that they are ready.


Help them identify the change they want to make

Help them connect with their reasons to change

Help them create a strategy to optimize their actions.


When they fail or relapse, help them see its just a part of the process. Why should you help them? Because YOU will have been the recipient of endless support by the men and women who came before you.


If you don’t pass it on…isn’t that a kind of theft?






Emerging from the cocoon

If I say: “women cannot fight back against men.  They are too weak.”  I’d be called a sexist.

If I say: “women can defend themselves against men. They have the same  survival drives as the rest of the animal kingdom” I am accused of victim-blaming.


Attacks are defenses.  Anger is fear.  Understand the fear that motivates BOTH responses, and you’ll grasp that they seem from a flawed self-perception, a sense of paralysis that arises from your self-image failing to match the natural world.  That fear is a signal to awaken from a cocoon that has served its purpose.


Those responses are a “heads I win, tails you lose” construct, a logic loop designed to protect the illusion rather than further serious discourse and growth.   “Sit down and shut up” I was recently told.


That’s a wolf dreaming that it is a poodle puppy, nipping at my heels.  Cute.


Refuse to see the word dualistically, pop out of the socialized illusion and speak of basic natural truth, and those invested in the illusion will be threatened. It is fine: this is the natural course of things.  Why do you think the “No Man’s Land” sequence in Wonder Woman hit so hard?  It was a pattern interrupt, a “crack” in the social agreement men and women made 30k years ago (or so) to divide up the characteristics of humanity for greater social efficiency.


We are changing those rules. They work great for producing grandkids, but not so great for individual human beings.  Men have more nurturance and softness than they are programmed to express, women are more lethal than they are programmed to express.    As we continue to awaken, there will be chaos.  We’ll get through it, because it is ultimately good for ALL of us.


Some of you will remain invested in the illusion.  That is fine.  Enjoy your nap.    I’m speaking to those prepared and eager to wake up.   For society to progress the energies have to balance.  I focus on black-white and male-female, but there are many, many others.   Resolve the duality and you’ll free the energy.


But you WILL be attacked.   Be loving…but be strong.  RESPONSIBILITY IS NOT BLAME, OR GUILT, OR SHAME, especially for things that happened in the past.  Your dominators and abusers would LOVE to blame you for the damage they did, and have that very damage weaken your belief in yourself so that you cannot fight back in the future.  Both men AND women are attacked if they stray out of their boxes.  If you miss that, you are missing a major recruitment tool for allies.


Once you can see the way this works racially and genderically, you CANNOT fail to see it elsewhere.  Everywhere.  The dualistic mindset at play.






Angels and Killer Apes

The goal is one million awake aware adult human beings. This would be enough to change the world.   Some changes in the world require massive group action. But others are a matter of individual growth, and those are the best focus: best for you, best for the world.   Chains are no stronger than the weakest link.  Don’t be that link.


The major tool is the concept of balance.  The most basic balances I see are:

  1. Body, mind, emotions
  2. Child, Parent, Grandparent
  3. Male-Female


If you resolve the apparent dualities, allow the same  “energies” to manifest on different levels, I think you have a pretty healthy human being.


Major mistakes:

  1. “Awakening the kundalini backwards.”   The major mistake here is to construct reality from a concept rather than actual experience. If you don’t understand how powerfully our emotional filters prevent us from crunching real-world data you can easily mistake ignorance for knowledge.  SOLUTION: start either from love, or from an alive body with full hungers activated.
  2. Not loving our “child” (or “heart”) enough to commit to protecting her at all costs–including growing the #$%% up.   Asking other adults to be our mommies and daddies.   This is a dinner bell for predators, and you are going to be very unhappy with life.   Artists fall into this so easily it makes me weep.  SOLUTION: Heal this damage, and commit to being all you need emotionally.   That frees you to have adult non-codependent relationships.
  3. Forgetting that there are both direct and indirect forms of force.  And that a good, creative person denied direct influence will find indirect influence.  And so will a malign snake.  The indirect is harder to see, and this is a tough one for people to see.  If you don’t  start with an assumption of equality, then ask: “well, if…?” about the apparent issues, you’ll get lost in the politics rapidly.  But if we’re equal…then those things that free women will also free men, in some amazing ways most people can’t even see.    All I can say is this: if women’s power REALLY diminishes men, this is going to get bloody as hell. But I believe that that is the nightmare, not the reality.   SOLUTION: See how women would act like men, and men act like women, if the positions were reversed.  The same souls having different experiences.


Sleeping Children–>Sleeping adults.


Within the dream we can function as adults (taking responsibility for emotions and actions) without awakening to the illusions we accepted in order to function as individuals or societies.  For instance, the South is awakening from such a dream, and it is painful: they needed slavery, and needed to justify it with a myth of inferiority.  America didn’t really   awaken from this nightmare until about 1970.  IF then.


Mankind as a whole is awakening from a dream in which women are seen as inferior by men…and vice versa.  Make no mistake, both sides do this crap.      From my perspective we made a deal 10k years ago, and the agreement was that women’s external dreams were disposable, and men’s lives were disposable. It worked great for producing maximum grandchildren, but sucked for men and women.


We can make better choices now. Move forward.  Become Angels with computer chips built on the chassis of killer apes.


Man, I like that notion.  But we have to resolve the dualities to reclaim our real potential for thought, love, and physical excellence.   I think its worth it.


But first, we have to wake up.  Repeat after me:




That is how I see you.  Oh, and that “angel with a computer chip on the chassis of a killer ape” thing. Yeah, that too.






Don’t Trigger a Feeding Frenzy


I’m never offended if people ask me to perform or present for free.   I have this thing called a “no” and another thing called a “counter proposal.”   Its not up to an organization to protect me.  It’s up to the Adult part of my personality, the “Daddy” to protect Little Stevie, who really does just want to get up there and shine and have fun.


Don’t develop that part?  And you  fall into the “it’s not faiiiiir!”


What is that expression?  “In business, you don’t get what you’re worth.  You get what you can negotiate.”


How about in sales?  “You aren’t in the business of X. You are in the business of MARKETING X.”


How about relationships?  “You will be attracted to people at your level and above. You will attract people at your level and below.”  If your “adult” self is developed, this is like hearing: “I won’t carry you out of the woods, but the path is right there.”   Waah! Carry me!!


Nope.  Every chipmunk in the woods knows no one is coming to save them.  Why do we so often feel it is “unfair” when people do a very typical animal thing:


If you leave a pork chop on the floor, and the dog eats it, it isn’t the dog’s fault.  It is the nature of dogs to eat pork chops that are on the floor.



Of COURSE people will try to get all they can for as little as possible. Nothing, if they can.  I remember talking about “Trust” with Swift Deer after someone had hurt me in a business deal.  “Don’t trust people” he said, that cynical bastard.   “Instead, RELY upon them to do what they see as being in their own self interest.”


Wow, is that ever negative…or is it?    What does that mean?  It means that YOU CAN TRUST OTHER PEOPLE TO THE EXACT LEVEL THAT YOU CAN TRUST YOUR OWN PERCEPTIONS.  Your own ability to figure out what they see as “their own interests.”


How to do that? First, get in touch with YOUR own motivations.  Do you, for instance, ask other people to be your Mommy or Daddy?


Remember that student of mine who was furious at his girlfriend for talking about her past lovers?   Why was he angry? (Come on, you should know this by now)…HE WAS AFRAID.  What was he afraid of?


“Mommy” wasn’t just giving her love to him.  What she gave him wasn’t “special” snurf snurf.  She gave it to OTHER boys snurf snurf.   Poor baby.


Boy oh boy, am I glad for her that she was smart enough to bring up her past again and again.  Otherwise, she might have fallen in love with him, and known, in her heart, that one day he would be angry and rub her nose in her past, and rip her heart out of her chest.


Why don’t we take adult responsibility for our emotions?   (“I provide everything I need emotionally.   My relationships with others are about what I want, and what I can give.”)


Why not take adult responsibility in business?  (“yes, my little boy loves to dance and make mommy and daddy laugh and clap. But I have to be `mommy and daddy’ now.   I have to be willing to market, sell, negotiate, and protect.  Because otherwise when I deal with adults who AREN’T Mommy and Daddy, they will eat that emotional pork chop I left on the floor.  LOVE ME! I will say.  “Sure,” they will answer.  Come dance for hugs.”


You want money?  Money is the adult world.   Better the hell be an adult, or your “kid” will be very unhappy.


If you go to someone, or the world, and say “be my Mommy or Daddy” what are you doing?  You are denying responsibility for your own maturity.  It is NOT their responsibility to do this. It is YOUR responsibility to do it. If you don’t have those chops, you had better the hell have a manager, an agent, a lawyer, a “minder”, a marketing and sales section to surround that little kid’s heart and protect it.


But when you demand that…they ain’t gonna do it for hugs.   You are demanding that they be adults, they deal with the adult world.  They are gonna want money, oh yes they will.


Now, if they are honest, they won’t take more than you negotiate. But THEY have a little boy, little girl to care for, too.  And they are going to negotiate the biggest contract they can, and you’ll be left with nothing if you can’t get “adult” about it.


What are the healthiest relationships?  Frankly, it is between two adults who ARE adults, but also in touch with their child selves.  Then their “kids” can play, but each “adult” is ultimately responsible for their own heart.  But even better, (say between me and T) sometimes my “child” is wounded and I just can’t quite manage to provide myself all the nurturing I need.  I’ve got a LOT in the ‘bank’ with her,and I can borrow her “Mommy” to comfort me. Feels wonderful.


But I have to be there as “Daddy” for  her little girl. And gladly do.   Wonderful little girl she has, and sometimes she is playful, and sometimes she is wounded and lonely.  She could re-integrate and heal on her own…but she knows she can come to me, and I will comfort her.


What would happen if I stopped comforting her?   It would be like a mouse searching for cheese in a maze.   If there is cheese there for a few days, and then you take the cheese away, the mouse will keep searching for a while…and then stop.   In a relationship, if things go bad, we’ll keep searching for the “cheese” for a while…and then if we are healthy, we stop.


And you know what?  If you aren’t honest enough to grasp that you were trying to get your partner, or business partner, or world, to carry the burden of being the “adult” without being willing to see that THEY want what’s best for THEM as well…if you try to manipulate them, guilt trip them, or tell them that they “owe” you anything other than honesty and perhaps kindness…you are being a child.  And the “adults” around you will sniff that. And you will bring out the very worst in even “normal” people.  The same instinct to burden them with responsibility for you will trigger their own tendency to seek unfair advantage.


And they you have a feeding frenzy.  Blood in the water.  Remember that line from “Broadcast News”?  “Wouldn’t it be great is `needy’ were a turn-on?”


It isn’t, except in other wounded people…or sharks.


Be your own parent. THEN I’ll let you play with my little boy.