(a post from about 2007)
Let’s think some more about the heart, and how wounds to it manifest in other arenas. I’ve known heart chakra wounds to trigger suicide, and a loss of willingness to live. A dear friend was raped, and within a year contracted terminal cancer–It ate her alive within months. Fear, guilt, shame and anger cripple the sex drive, as well as resentments: I know several women who completely withhold their sexuality from their husbands, and several men no longer sexually active due to a lifetime of stuffed emotions. And anyone who has read this blog knows I think that people stuff negative emotions into their bodies. Rape, child abuse, fear, disappointment–all can manifest as obesity. I’ve had women tell me they were afraid that if they were sexually attractive, they’d cheat on their husbands. Men who say that they feel non-existent unless they are huge. Others who hide behind a wall of flesh. And of course heart wounds kill relationships: marriages, friendships, and the most critical relationship, the one with yourself. Heart wounds cripple the chakras above, as well: the ability to communicate is based on belief in self, and a sense that it is safe to be honestly expressive. My mother, who grew up in the lynch-happy South during the 30’s, warned me that “if you show white people how smart you are, they’ll kill you.” Can you imagine what this does to a young man’s head?
Probably the majority of fine writing is about wounds to the heart, and the ways we cope with them, try to heal them, how they poison our lives. Or about the glory of love. As much pain as love causes us all, the only thing that makes it worthwhile is the fact that, when it’s workin’, there is just nothing better. So next time (or real soon now) we’re going to address the question of relationships–how to find one, how to nurture one, how to keep one.
Fourth chakra wounds damage the health, cripple the sexuality, create obesity and anorexia, limit communication, and confuse the intellect. The expression “you can awaken the kundalini from the heart out or from the bottom up, but never from the top down” was making direct reference to the primacy of the heart. In Lifewriting, we use two major tools for connecting with the heartspace: heartbeat meditation and the dream diary. There are other meditations and therapies, but in many ways the very best medicine for the ailing heart is a healthy romantic/sexual relationship. For many people, the quest for love is a long, lonely road. I wanted to provide a few perspectives, and then in a day or two we’ll re-visit what I call the soulmate technique, an approach to finding and keeping the love you want.
I’d like you to consider a homily: “In life, you don’t get what you want. You get who you are.” If you find that you aren’t attracting people who you are attracted to, you may well have an unrealistic self image. Your lovers are mirrors for you, friend. You ARE your husband or wife or significant other, albeit flipped for gender and mirror-imaged. Searching to understand the ways that you and your partner are two halves of the same creature is one of the most fruitful things you can do–as well as one of the most educational. It can free you from anger and resentment. Folks, if you could have done better than your partner, you would have. If you misjudged them, whose fault is that? If you didn’t have the awareness, the self-confidence, the clarity, whose fault is that? Every human being does the best they can with the resources they have. You traded your intelligence, your sensuality, your beauty, and your power and energy and mental health for the greatest good you could find in the arena of relationship. When you stop blaming and start grasping that we are all both victims and beneficiaries of the human condition, you are on the road to healing.
Weight issues. This one is tricky. I think that the first 5-15 pounds of excess weight or so is no big deal. Just lifestyle and personal preference stuff. But by the time your secondary sexual characteristics become obscured, by the time joints are hurting, backs hurting, and it becomes a burden to walk up a flight of stairs, this is no longer lifestyle. It is no longer a little metabolic situation. It is emotional. I’ve simply had too many former obese people tell me that when emotional issues cleared up, they were able to drop the weight. Too much evidence that it relates to depression, anger, pain, fear, loss, and grief and resentment. I just don’t believe what I was told growing up: that overweight is simply a choice, or that it is a physical condition that can’t be helped. No. I don’t. Sorry. I’ve had too many friends die. DIE. From obesity-related illness. If I had spoken the truth to them, maybe they’d still be alive. But they surrounded themselves with people who would tell them pretty lies, and allow them to continue on down the road to self destruction. I will be damned if I will EVER do that again.
What we consider attractive usually relates to damned good reasons. Much (not all) of human behavior relates to survival of self and family. Most of what we consider beauty relates to health: clear complexion, strong bones and teeth, symmetrical faces, high energy. Or emotional health, like discipline, self-love and respect, clarity of purpose, emotional endurance, resistance to fear. When women say they are attracted to ambitious, intelligent, successful men–what the living hell is wrong with that? Aren’t they supposed to seek out the healthiest mates possible? And men are attracted to women who, by visual appearance, give them sexual stimulation: secondary sexual characteristics, self-confidence, sensuality… all of these things relate to mothering and fathering. Subtract these from the equation, and the entire human race collapses. So if you have moved beyond the need or desire to raise a family, fine! But better than 80% of the human race wants these things, so it’s legitimate to address them. In no way do I suggest that those in non-reproductive relationships are unhealthy, any more than if you’re in a marriage you are automatically somehow healthy. No. But if you’ve had a string of failed relationships, I suggest you want to look at that closely.
I don’t consider myself enlightened. I do consider myself on the path of enlightenment. This isn’t just about having a good life. It’s about having a good death, to be clean with myself about who and what I am in this world, and to do absolutely everything I can to leave it a better place than I found it.
I offer what seems to me, at this time, to be a pathway.
1) Be clear on who you are, and where you are going.
2) Be certain that you love yourself. Not just like–love. Be certain you have internal permission to be ecstatically happy.
3) Make a list of the qualities you desire in a partner. Find the person you know, or can find, who comes closest to that list, sit them down and ask them what they are looking for in a partner. Look at the gap between what they describe and where you are. To the degree that those changes are positive, incorporate them at the rate of about 1% per week.
4) As you head toward your dreams, make it clear to the people around you who and what you are, what your dreams are. Walk your talk. Begin to eat, sleep and breathe your intentions in the world. Make them positive, and loving, and powerful.
5) Don’t settle for less than you are worth. As you begin to express your beauty and power, people will be attracted to you. Be choosy. Be certain to spend your intimate time with those who actually match your values, needs, and desires, and empathize with your goals. Don’t waste your energy.
6) If necessary, celibacy might help you concentrate your energy.
7) Be honest, and kind. Treat prospective lovers and partners the way you would want someone to treat your brothers and sisters, your mom or dad, your own children. There is enough pain in the world. Don’t add to it.
8) Have faith. Believe. Love is real, and powerful, and transforming.
9) Be certain that you are heading in the direction of the values you want in a partner. Want a tight body? You’d better have one. Want someone successful? You’d better be manifesting. Want someone emotionally healthy? Lover, heal thyself. Remember the saying “you can’t have a relationship with someone crazier than you”? Well, you can’t have one with someone saner, either. If you want to go old-school, guys may well be able to trade a higher level of power for a greater amount of beauty in a lady. This has worked for thousands of years, and will likely work for a thousand more.
10) If your aspirations are higher than your accomplishment, be willing to partner with someone else who is “becoming”. After all, if you want someone to overlook your flaws, you had better the hell be ready to overlook someone else’s. Be brutally honest with yourself. If you wouldn’t want to jump into bed with you, live with you, love you, you’ve got your work laid out!
11) The meditation, goal-setting, exercise and self-reflection tools on this blog can help you. There are other tools scattered around the world. Find and use them. But start by loving yourself, and giving yourself permission to have a passionate, committed, long-lasting, healthy, supportive, bountiful, sexy relationship. It’s worth it!