Dissolving the barrier

I was thinking recently on the question of sexual connection, and specifically on the most fulfilling relationships or contacts I’ve had or observed.  The question was “how can I be a better lover?” or “how can I achieve higher level of sexual satisfaction?”

Curiously, over time I came to believe that the answer is connected to several other questions: how can I be a better friend?  How can I have deeper friendships?

How can I be a better salesman?  How can I better serve my community, and be supported in return?

And: How shall I be in the world?  Who am I, in the arena of relationships?  How can I tap into my deepest reserves of excellence?

And over time, these all melded together.  When I thought back over the very best lovers, friends, business connections, teachers and masters I’ve known, there was a thread of connection that became obvious in retrospect.  I cannot language it directly, but I can dance around it by speaking of the characteristics to be found.

  1. They concentrate not on themselves.  Or on you.  But on the relationship, the “isness” created by the two of you.   They feed the energy by treating your body as if it is part of theirs, actually gain pleasure by giving YOU pleasure.
  2. In other words, they enter “flow” in the sense that an artist becomes part of the art. In the words from the immortal Flashdance, they “enter the danger zone, where the dancer becomes the dance”.  The energy released is the “fusionary” response of dissolving the subject-object relationship.  The intensity of an orgasm is precisely this energy.
  3. They must maintain their balance, their center.   Must love themselves. Otherwise, they will give themselves away to the wrong person. Give EVERYTHING and get back nothing.  Only experience can teach you to recognize givers and avoid takers.   You’ll run into them, sure. But by paying attention to what people DO as opposed to what they SAY, you learn to identify your tribe, those who take pleasure in giving, and to do 80% of your giving to them.

Let’s look at how this works:

  1. In relationships, you nurture them as places to GIVE rather than get. But you also need to be aware and adult enough to realize you cannot give forever to someone who only takes.  You feed the relationship with your love, your energy, your creativity and awareness, and then share the banquet.
  2. In business, you are there to serve your customers, provide value, uplift and support them.   But you must be certain that they are honest, capable of fairly compensating you, and value the relationship as you do.
  3. In the physical realm, training partners can be the most valuable assets you can have.   And they must work with you not merely to dominate, or better themselves, but to join with you and help you as well.   To this end, it is best to spend ⅓ of your training time with people better than you, ⅓ with people at the same level, and ⅓ with people you can lead.
  4. In personal accomplishment, you want to immerse yourself so deeply in your task that the rest of the world disappears.     And here, you need to have enough “center” that you can give yourself totally to the activity without damaging yourself.

Look…these are morning thoughts. They are not polished, but I have been thinking of them over the last few weeks, trying to decide if or how or when to share.   If these thoughts are of interest, let me know, and I’ll dive deeper.




  1. Yes! Keep developing this. I’d like to see more.

    I’m not clear on the term “isness.” The line of balance, between giving and being aware of whether your partners are ones who can also give, matches my experience. I suspect that where you are in the pursuit of any type of excellence (not just physical fitness, but art or business or research and more) will make it easier or harder to find that 1/3, 1/3, 1/3 balance of training partners. It definitely feels more real to seek some balance of time with people who are leaders, peers, and students, and I had not previously seen that idea. I’d seen some people suggest you only spend time with people who are better than you are, and I felt something wrong with that.


    1. “Isness” is simply the basic reality of a thing, its essential nature or being. What it truly “is”. It’s “is”-ness. As opposed to opinions or illusions about it. When you play tennis with someone better than you, go all out and study how they dissect you. When against someone at your own level, go into flow and play. When against someone less skilled, give yourself a handicap and work on some weak aspect of your game. This works great for many skills. I do not suggest deliberately dating or sleeping with people who are not at your level of energy and integration. That…can work out badly for both of you.


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